Friday, February 26, 2010

Welcome to the Jungle

Romantic. That's what he is.

Seriously, the man gave me a gift! And it isn't even a holiday or any sort of Officially Designated Gift-Giving Occasion. But yesterday morning as I was hiding in the bathroom, there was a little knock and Jeff told me he'd gotten me a gift. He had found it underneath the garbage can. I immediately began trying to think of anything at all that I wanted that would be found underneath a garbage can. Hmmmmm.....uh.....NO.

"Check it out. Jules has it," he said.

This was confusing. Especially when I saw what Jules was holding.

OK. So I was disappointed. But then Jeff said, "That is going to keep them occupied ALL DAY." Smile. Then he left on a business trip. And I was loving and adoring him from a distance because that dang reptile did indeed keep them busy ALL DAY. He has been named Reginald and he has been set up in an aquarium and he has been fed a menagerie of crickets, beetles, and moths. His new pad has been decorated and re-decorated a thousand times. I probably have another 12 hours of this reptilian reprieve and then my sanity will depend on my husband finding me another gift possibly under a rock or something.

You see, Wednesday was a Bad Day. I am stressed. I am tired. I am overwhelmed by a multitude of things. You know that feeling you have when you're in the grocery store and one of your kids is pushing the cart behind you? That sphincter tightening waiting-to-have-your-heels-rammed-by-a-loaded-grocery-cart feeling?? I have been walking around with that feeling for days. I don't know why. Hormonal maybe.

Also? We've all been taking turns being sick. Right now I'm sick.

Also Also?? This is Ellie's big competition season - and besides contests - she is making a name for herself and has been invited to play here and there and give recitals AND we're still filling out the dang paperwork for From the Top. We started the process a long time ago and then became distracted with some other This Has To Be Done Right Now emergencies. So the deadline is March 1 and we're back at it. Because she is also applying for the scholarship there is literally a mountain of paperwork. Do you know how hard it is to keep spaghetti sauce off of a mountain of paperwork? I'll tell you how hard it is IMPOSSIBLE. And we haven't even had spaghetti. The Paperwork is also a crayon/marker magnet and I finally told her to stop starting over every time a little person scribbled on a piece of paper. We can't guard it all constantly. Occasionally one of us needs to pee, eat, or answer the phone and then large food chunks and/or scribbles suddenly appear all over the papers.

Also Also Also??? I'm dealing with Mr. Spock, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the meteorite that attacks him, and a giant dancing green apple that really looks like a giant booger but don't tell Camille I said that. Anyway - so did you figure out what time of year it is? That's right. It is Odyssey of the Mind crunch time. The tournament is next weekend. I'm coaching the high school team. I have been telling them all along when the tournament is, I have paraded the calendar in front of them, I have nagged and whined and done all of those ineffective Mother/Odyssey Coach things. On Wednesday, I got through to one of them.

"Are you saying we have a little over a week?" she said.

"Yes! Yes! Oh my God!! That's what I'm saying!" It was such a moment, I tell you. It was like I was Annie Sullivan and Helen Keller had just freaking figured out I was talking to her. Seriously. It was a Made For TV Movie Moment.

What resulted from the light bulb finally clicking on, was mass hysteria. Well, actually, only half of the mass became hysterical. The other half curled up into fetal positions.

My team is working on the Vehicle Problem. They are building a human-powered vehicle driven by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because Joel does an awesome Arnold impression, that's why. Anyway, they went for the Out-of-the-Box thinking....came up with a brilliant idea...only they can't quite make it work. Jules is on the Middle School team - and they are also building a vehicle - but are using a simpler concept. He plays Mr. Spock. Camille is on the Elementary Team and she is the dancing green apple/booger. I'd tell you more about their solutions/skits but then, according to official Odyssey rules, I'd have to kill you. On Wednesday I sat with my friend and fellow Odyssey coach, watching our kids drag their vehicle around, trip over props, knock over signs, etc. They were whiny/frustrated/tired. My friend had her head in her hands. I said, "And to think we could have just used birth control." Sigh.

Anyway, I don't think my team's vehicle is going to be working in time for the tournament. We'll see. Between now and then? My life is going to be Pure Hell. And speaking of hell, Jasper has recently become possessed. By a demon. Or something. I keep telling him, "Dude - you're like almost six-years-old....CHILL OUT." But then he just spins his head around and climbs up the walls. I am so glad he is not in school. They medicate possessed kids. Anyway - so looking forward to the 6th birthday (next month) whereby the demon will be commanded to come out on a matter of principle.

It hasn't all been bad, though. I have exorcised a BIG DEMON recently. That's right, folks. I paid my library fine!! Yes!! It took two attempts (I forgot my checkbook on the first attempt) but I got 'er done. The kids are like, "We can go back in the library?? Are you serious??" Yes, children. The Time Of Shame has officially ended. We are paid up and ready to check out books which we will never lose or return late. Because I said so.

*Okay - just to show you how crazy my life is.....right this very children are excitedly proclaiming that they have found maggots and they are bringing them INTO MY HOUSE to feed to Reginald, the gift that keeps on giving.

I look back on the days when I was a young mother of only small children. I often thought it was overwhelming (it was) and busy (mind numbingly so) and looked forward (guiltily) to the times they would all be older. They are now all older. And my life is overwhelming and busy and I occasionally guiltily look forward to the day I will have an empty house. Because right now I have two people playing electric guitars and one banging out Chopin on a baby grand. My Asperger's kid is screeching because he has consulted the Google Gods and they have told him that Reginald is sensitive to loud noises - so of course he is responding to this info by LOUDLY screeching at the noisemakers. There is an electric guitar and amplifier in my off-limits-meditation nook - my one little holy space in this house - because, "mom - where else can I practice? there are people everywhere!" and sometimes it just seems as if one day the roof is just going to blow sky high off of this house. So I try to imagine it without the ruckus. And I can't, really.

The truth is, when I think about the future, I wonder if the house will feel like a sanctuary or an empty tomb/womb? I imagine it will be a little of both.

Ahhhh...Joel is now playing Welcome to the Jungle. The Universe has spoken again; with a smile, I'm quite sure. There is no future - there is only the Present Moment Which Happens To Be A Jungle.

Next year, the first monkey will leave the jungle. I'll watch her go with a combination of joy and sadness. And I'm pretty sure I'll seek my solace in the mayhem and noise of this wild place. Before it disappears.

Sardine Mama

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Dipped in Drama for Valentine's Day

There is a box heart-shaped box of chocolates on my bed this morning. So I will not be starting my diet today. Like everything else, Valentine's Day is a Family Affair around here.....big dinner planned for tonight and we go all tacky with the rose petals and the candles and the whole bit. Jeff is making eggplant Parmesan - we're having guests that include extended family and some of the Odyssey kids who spend the night here on Sundays - just a romantic little table set for 13.

When I was a teen Valentine's Day was associated with drama. Well, when I was a teen EVERY day was associated with drama. Flowers were delivered in school via the Student Council and everybody could see who had and who hadn't received flowers. When I was 15 there was a certain boy I liked and I had really hoped he'd send me a red carnation in class - but he didn't. Now girlfriends were a big part of the scheme of this whole drama-dipped arrangement and so we had all taken care of each other - nobody had to know that two of my flowers came from Ann and Kim (although I'm pretty sure everybody knew - this was a common practice). I also got flowers from a couple of boys that day, too, so my ass was covered. But none of the flowers were from The Boy I Had A Crush On.

When I got home, there were a dozen yellow roses waiting for me! A dozen! Also not from The Boy. They were from another boy who would have to be dealt with later. Then, just when all hope was lost and the day was winding down, another arrangement was delivered to my house - from ANOTHER boy and let me tell you, that situation was Very Awkward as it had come out of left field and believe me - there was NO WAY that was ever going down and so it just added to my stress. I cried and cried. The one boy I'd hoped would be my Valentine hadn't cared about me at all. And on top of it I had received flowers from boys I didn't like at all - and while it seems lovely to have received so many dang flowers? Really it just represented uncomfortable situations I couldn't avoid dealing with at some point. I really didn't like to hurt people's feelings.

I was thinking about how much I hated Valentine's Day when there was a small knock on my bedroom door. My mom brought in a tiny little bud vase with 3 tiny little pink roses in it. And it was from The Boy. They were the tiniest little roses I had ever seen in the tiniest little vase and I know now that it was way more than The Boy could afford to spend. I loved them. They were the first roses Jeff ever sent me. And here they are; flowers from 30 Years Ago Today:

So the other boys were dealt with and there was drama and quite frankly, I am glad my kids think Valentine's Day involves balloons from their dad and a table set for 13. They are missing the drama and that is fine with me.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, we saw the movie. The Valentine's Day movie. I feel like I fell for a scam. It was a horrible movie - one cliche after another - paraded before the audience via Big Names and Faces....all of whom looked uncomfortable in their pathetic lines. Honestly, did you see who all is in this movie? How did they convince them? There were times I was just like, "I can't believe this....." There were a couple of times Jeff laughed and I told him to stop.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because it wasn't funny," I said.

"Actually, that was a little funny."

"Not funny enough to make up for the rest of it. I feel taken advantage of. I feel cheap. I feel violated."

"Okay, I'll try not to laugh anymore."

It was the principle of the thing, you know? They made this movie with big stars with no regard for quality and every intention of marketing the hell out of it for this One Big Weekend showing so it would rake in the bucks on the Big Date Night of the Year and people would just be taken for their dough and then carelessly tossed aside like a cheap date. Happy Valentine's Day Stupid Movie People - and Thanks for Nothing! God. I can't believe I fell for it.

Enough whining on Valentine's Day. Would you believe that I had a second vacation after the vacation described in the previous post? I did!
Jeff had to work in Corpus Christi so we went with him. We do this every so often. Not too often. We have to give him time to kind of forget some incidents before we try to slip in for another gig....The Boy needs time for it all to fade....Because trips with the kids are never ho hum. With the children in tow we alternate between being really really happy and having a lot of fun and being really really miserable and wanting to kill ourselves. There is no in between.

Because Jeff was working we (duh) took his van. His van is a mini. It seats exactly 7. We are exactly 7 but one of us is 17 and one of us is 15 and then two of us are in booster seats and the one left over doesn't ride well with others and really needs his own bench seat. So sticking us all in the mini-van for any length of time is not fun. Add to that the fact that Jeff is on the phone the entire time....trying to act normal and hold normal conversations and keep the van on the road while basically all hell is breaking lose just millimeters behind his head and you can just picture a pressure cooker on wheels because that is what we are. We try to placate with electronics so we have cords and wires running from the front all the way to the back where people are plugged into games, movies, and ipods - but it really only makes things worse.

Camille was watching a Nancy Drew movie. Jasper did not want to watch Nancy Drew. He was sitting next to Camille. He felt he was being forced, against his will, to watch Nancy Drew. No amount of explaining could get him to understand that he could merely turn his head and quit watching. "I can HEAR it!!" he screamed. "And I can SEE it!!"

"How?" I yelled back. I couldn't hear anything. Because right behind me, Jules was watching Lord of the Rings.

"Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!" yelled Jasper repeatedly while Camille yelled, "Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!" and Jules cranked up the volume on Lord of the Rings. The big kids complained about the antics of the younger 3...they couldn't even hear their ipods - it was awesome. And then Jeff's phone rang and he yelled, "Shut up! It's my boss!" and he answered the phone only nobody shut up because nobody heard him and I tossed sugar in the form of a Sonic mint at Jasper, hoping to subdue him in the way that throwing raw meat to an alligator might buy a person some time, but he was so enraged over Nancy Drew he couldn't even comprehend that the object that had landed in his lap was indeed sugar and not a ticking time bomb so he THREW IT BACK AS HARD AS HE COULD and it whizzed past Jeff's ear and smashed into the windshield in front of him and honest to God it sounded like the windshield cracked and this made Jeff jump and his eyes got real big because he also thought it might be a ticking time bomb because what else could it be and it did indeed appear as if someone in the back seat was trying to kill him while he was on the phone with his boss and this made me laugh and then I couldn't stop laughing because it was so important that I not be laughing at that moment and I tend to react to stress by doing the worst possible thing for that particular circumstance. I heard Jeff meekly say, "Yeah, got the family with me."

And that was just the drive up.

I won't bore you with all the details - just the highlights. Ellie decided to come at the last minute and she made it known that she had only come for the food since we were going to be dining out. She didn't want any of us to be under the mistaken impression that she wanted to spend time with us. She proved her point by refusing to accompany us to the pool and by curling up on a bench in the Texas State Aquarium and GOING TO SLEEP. "God - you've seen all these fish before! They're the same fish as last time! Why are you people so excited over this??"

The aquarium was mostly empty and the rest of us had a lovely time. We went to Jeff's favorite Japanese restaurant for dinner - where he is treated like a rock star. Jeff travels so much that he has more friends in other cities than he has in his own. They were so excited that he brought his big family and everyone was shaking his hand and congratulating him on bringing the family and it was all very exciting. People love Jeff. Even airport people and airport people are notoriously cranky. Whenever I fly with Jeff it is, "Hey Jeff!" from the gate attendants, baggage handlers, flight attendants, rental car people....It's like he's Norm on Cheers. Anyway, the name of the restaurant is Ichiban and it does serve some delicious food and our kids go all whacko over sushi and seaweed salad so they thoroughly enjoyed themselves. It is a little funny to go there because when Jasper was first learning to use the potty and all that entailed - he occasionally failed to wipe properly and this resulted in what he called "itchy bum" and so yeah - we crack up over eating at Ichiban. What can I say? Being surrounded by little people for over 17 years has eroded my maturity level.

On the second evening I had to leave the kids at the hotel while I drove to pick up Jeff at a nearby hospital. It was pouring down rain. It was rush hour. And I didn't know where I was going. I hate being lost and I am lost all the time and it erodes my self-confidence and I deal with the erosion by being a Bitch While Lost. Jeff was trying to give me directions on the phone and it wasn't going too well. Did I mention it was pouring down rain and there was a ton of traffic? At a certain point I displayed my displeasure over the situation by doing what came naturally under the circumstances, which was to blame it all on Jeff via lots of yelling and the occasional curse word. At which point he informed me that I was on speaker phone and everyone in the hospital was listening to me. Sweet, right?

When I finally got to the hospital he got in the car and I attacked him for having put me on speaker phone because I was still riding the This-is-All-Your-Fault-Express. And Jeff said, "Well, maybe you shouldn't talk to someone in private any differently than you would if you had an audience and then you wouldn't find yourself in this embarrassing situation." Okay, people. I know you're thinking that is all reasonable and everything but THIS BOY HAS BEEN MARRIED TO ME FOR 24 YEARS. Did he really think he could put me on speaker phone? Really? What did he think the odds were that I wasn't going to drop the F-Bomb while lost in the rain in the traffic while trying to get to the hospital via his hairbrained directions? See? Do you see my point? He should have known better. I just talked myself back onto the express train. Sheesh. Oh well. Jeff is slightly twisted and thought the whole thing was hilarious and he also really enjoys sympathy and I'm sure he got it from the nurses in the room so all worked out fine in the end.

We arrived back at the hotel during Happy Hour and found our two boys saddled up to the bar with a bunch of businessmen two-fisted drinking Shirley Temples. That was a sight for sore eyes. Then we headed to the island to our favorite Italian restaurant, Island Italian. This place is a little hole in the wall and it has been there forever and the food is awesome and we had an adorable waiter named Tyler. Even Ellie enjoyed herself. It was all short-lived, though. L.O.N.G. night ahead.

Let me set the scene. We had a suite. I was in bed with Jasper. Jeff was in bed with Camille. Joel was on the fold-out couch. Jules was under the fold-out couch (he likes small spaces). Ellie was on the floor. Jules has a little problem that when he eats and drinks too much he tends to throw up. He'd knocked down 5 or 6 Shirley Temples with extra cherries, a couple of pounds of popcorn and goldfish, and then fettuccine alfredo and dessert. So at 1:30 he walks into our room and says, "I dreamed I was throwing up." Well, that was quite a coincidence seeing as how he was half asleep and covered in vomit. Jeff tried to play possum but only briefly. The clean-up to settle down period covered about an hour. 30 minutes later, Jasper fell out of bed. This was traumatic. About 30 minutes after he settled down, Camille sat up in bed and said, "I was dreaming that I peed...." and Jeff whipped her up and out of his bed - not mine - ha! at an impressive speed. About 30 minutes after we settled down from that, Jeff's alarm clock went off.

"I'm so glad you guys came with me," he said. "Because when y'all aren't with me I'm just here all by myself."

You know what? He was serious. And that's why he's still My Valentine after all these years. I got the sweeter end of the deal, believe me.

Signing Off as a Chocolate-Breath Sardine Mama

Monday, February 8, 2010

It Was A Vacation. Because I Said So.

So I just got home from my Big Vacation. To Waco, Texas - made famous by David Koresh and the Branch Davidians. Also home to Baylor University and the Baylor/Waco Piano Competition. Hence my Big Vacation.

Am I humongous classical piano music fan? Not really. But my trip to Waco was thrilling because it involved a road trip virtually By Myself. (!!)

Sure, I technically had the 17-year-old with me. But she was in her bubble. Before a performance or competition the kid crawls in her bubble and doesn't peep a peep and I'm not really sure if that is psychologically good or psychologically bad but it is thrillingly quiet. So that just left me. The other four kids? At HOME, Baby. With The Man. And whenever I called home? It sounded noisy and chaotic and like people were frantically searching for socks. He was screaming into the phone. It was very satisfying.

On my end, all I had to do was occasionally remind Ellie to get back in her bubble - 'cause Mommy was on Vacation.

"Mom, I'm hot...."

"Mommy's on vacation..."

"Oh yeah, right. Sorry, I'll just adjust this myself."

Actually, the conversations didn't go exactly like that. Because she is a smirker and smirkers tend to like to make sharp little comments they think are funny. Like, "So are you enjoying your big vacation, Mom? Is this more fun than your weekly trip to Costco?" *My weekly solo trip to Costco while Camille is in dance is pathetically known as my Big Night Out.

Anyway, so the trip up was nice and we listened to music and since it was my vacation Ellie skipped all the classical stuff on her ipod. When she was feeling extremely charitable she even kicked it old school for me with Pearl Jam and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.....or even older school with some Tom Petty. The rest of the time it was her stuff like Arctic Monkeys, Arcade Fire, and Coldplay. All of which I tolerate and some of which I enjoy.

The drive should have taken about 2 1/2 or 3 hours, but we had to go through Austin.
In Austin people like to drive around with bumper stickers that say, "Keep Austin Weird!" Why is Austin weird? Because it is a decent sized town with massive urban sprawl and somebody decided that their transportation system for the entire catastrophe should basically consist of ONE ROAD. Which is weird and also a pain in the ass at rush hour. So we didn't arrive in Waco until close to 9:00 pm. We were starving.

Since I was on vacation I wanted to go somewhere nice that I couldn't normally afford while travelling with an entire herd of children. But apparently, when you take a town and build it out in the middle of nowhere and surround it by nothing and call it Waco - and then you take away the only form of entertainment (known as Branch Davidians) - people get all excited about dining out on a Friday evening. And they wait outside in cold parking lots when the restaurants are packed beyond what fire codes allow - even for Mexican food. That is crazy. I didn't want to waste my Big Vacation waiting for a table when I had a hotel room with a big, fluffy bed and a remote control waiting for me. So we ended up at an IHOP. Sigh.

Because I am a southern girl, I wanted to order some grits with my French toast. And I did. And the college boy who took my order said, "Really? 'Cause they're nasty." And this made Ellie smirk and say, "Well, do you want them, Mom?" Because it is somewhat awkward to order something after someone has identified it as nasty. So I said, "no, thank you." Now my husband? Would have ordered the grits, anyway. Once we were in a Taco Cabana and he ordered the chicken flameante and the guy said, "Hold on, let me see if it's still good." Then he opened up a warming drawer, removed a chicken, smelled it....and said it was okay. And my husband?? ATE IT.

Anyway, after our less than awesome meal, we headed back to our hotel. Where a woman with 3 ADHD little blond boys was trying to check in to her room. I'm not dissing ADHD. God knows we have our own set of issues within our brood - but I was on VACATION. When I am not travelling with children, I have little tolerance for people who are. So after she finally got the 3 boys and their multitude of luggage in the elevator I asked the check-in clerk just how close my room was to those delightful children. Ellie said, "Oh my God, Mom. That's so rude." What? I didn't think it was rude. Do you blame me? Do you honestly think that those little boys were not going to be screeching and thumping and plunking around all night? And even though the mama was apparently heavily medicated, do you really think she could refrain from bellowing at some point?

The clerk assured me we were not near the lovely boys and then stuck us on the floor with a basketball team and some sort of corporate thing going on. Also? We had an adjoining room with a man who spoke very loudly when he was on the phone and he was on the phone a lot trying to direct the apparently lost half of his party to the hotel. I don't know if they ever found the place. As of 1:00 am he was still shouting, "Take a left!!! Then another left!!! Then go beneath the overpass and take a left!!!" I did sleep a little because Ellie said I snored. So she didn't sleep at all. I felt badly for her but it wasn't like she was on vacation or anything like that.

Last year Ellie placed 2nd in the Concerto Division of the Baylor/Waco Piano Competition. That earned her a scholarship to their summer music camp - and she really enjoyed the camp. So she was hoping to place 2nd in the Solo Division this year. But when we got there and she looked at the rosters of competitors she said, "This one is going to get first or second, this one is going to get first or second, and I'm going to get honorable mention." And that is exactly how it played out. She was happy. She felt she placed exactly where she should have. She got great comments on her critique sheets - she is just disappointed about the scholarship.

Her friend came in 2nd, and I went to hear him perform because he is just amazing. It is very quiet in the auditoriums during these competitions - no clapping or anything when a kid is done (which I personally find awkward but I am generally an enthusiastic sort). Anyway, he gets to a really really really quiet and slow part of his performance after having banged away for awhile and I thought to myself, thank God I'm not needing to cough and then guess what? I was overcome by a violent urge to cough. I tried to control it. My eyes watered, I swallowed, I held my breath, I did everything. But it was still coming on strong. And he was still playing quietly. I needed to leave before I unleashed the fury - so I stood up. And the dang chair squeaked. Loudly. And slowly. And Ellie's head spun around and she shot laser beams at me with her eyeballs and smoke came out of both her nose and her ears and I ran out the door which I closed very quietly but the door monitor did the same thing with the laser beams and the smoking nostrils and I ran past him into the foyer where I coughed and coughed and coughed and downed 3 cups of orange juice from the refreshment area. Not because I was sick or anything but because I apparently now have a PHOBIA and cough uncontrollably during quieter moments in piano solos. (I've done it before at a major INTERNATIONAL competition and it is a long story that involves crinkly cough drop wrappers and the ear-splitting noise they can make - more smoking nostrils and laser eyes.......)

Anyway - I was hoping this kid hadn't heard the screaming chair squeak but when he came out he grinned and assured me that he most definitely had. God I Am Glad He Placed.

Drive home was relatively uneventful. We sat in Austin traffic with the sun in our eyes for most of it. When we hit San Antonio I dropped Ellie off at a friend's house where she was immediately surrounded by a gaggle of kids congratulating her. Then I returned home to the wreck otherwise known as My House - where my husband was busy ringing the dinner bell. He loves to cook and isn't so keen on the cleaning. But it was hard to be mad since he had freshly steamed brussel sprouts, homemade cheesy mashed potatoes, and grilled grass-fed T-bones from our very own herd set out on the table. The big boys had been at the rodeo all day with their great-aunt, Camille had been at a birthday I had lots of stories to listen to and you know what? It was good to be home after my Big Vacation.

Yesterday was another big day as Joel tested for his Tae Kwon Do Red Belt which is a pretty big deal. He had to run a mile, spar while blind-folded, break boards, and endure 45 minutes of calisthenics without a break - plus he did his forms, etc. Big Accomplishment!! He's hoping to have his black belt sometime next year.

Let's see....we didn't care about the Superbowl - although we were happy the Saints won. But we didn't care enough to watch and we're not huge Who fans, either, so my husband and I went on a date. We saw It's Complicated and it was a delightful movie. I love Meryl Streep. Alec Baldwin was great - from what I can tell he pretty much seems to play himself in most movies - but that is pretty entertaining. I do wish, however, that he hadn't removed his shirt in the movie. I mean I REALLY wish this. I was afraid I wouldn't ever get the image out of my mind but then we went to Whole Foods and I saw Rolling Stone Magazine at the check-out and that helped, immensely. Thanks to John Mayer and his awesome tattoos......a naked Alec Baldwin is just a furry memory, now. Ugh. Did I just say furry? Freaudian slip, Baldwin. I meant to say fuzzy. Ooops. I did it AGAIN. Meant so say blurry. I need some more John Mayer therapy. This Alec Baldwin thing was more traumatizing for me than I thought.

Signing off as a refreshed Sardine Mama