Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Welcome to the Midway

Don't give up on me! I am still blogging and am going to do so more regularly, again. In fact, this is about to become a very thrilling time to follow my blog because I am going to officially begin my mid-life crisis/journey tomorrow. Up until now? It's been strictly unofficial.

I do not want to tell you too much about tomorrow, but let me just say it involves a guy named Rick.

So yeah. I'm reaching mid-life, as they say. I'll be 45 in December. What does it mean for me? Don't know yet. And I don't feel like I am in any kind of a crisis. But I am definitely taking stock of things. And you know what? I like a lot of what I see going on in my life. For that I feel blessed.

*Marriage - pretty dang good, for the most part. 23 years ago I married my high school sweetheart. He's not perfect but he comes close at times. He's still my best friend. But we have to work harder at being connected. We haven't "drifted apart" as some people do....but we've both become very busy doing things that often don't involve each other. He travels a lot with work - I am busy with the 5 kids. So we actually have to make it a point to fill each other in on what is going on in our lives. And that is kind of new for us - we used to do it without thinking.

*Kids - I guess I'm not surprised that I have children. But I am still surprised that I somehow ended up with five. And I never thought I'd homeschool. So that part of my life surprises me. Daily. I also can't believe I have a kid about to turn 17. I'm proud of them all; you've probably noticed that from reading this here Brag Rag. I'm not a perfect parent, but I can honestly say that I must be doing something right.

*Career - I'm not even sure what this means. I've had "jobs" and I've hated each and every one of them. I hope to never have one, again. I do currently earn some $$ but it doesn't feel like a job. Does that make it a career? I don't know. I write content for websites and stuff. I do a bit of technical writing. I don't do very much of it because I don't have the time. But if I needed to? I think I could support myself with it.

Aspirations and Goals* - Here's where things start going sour on me. I thought I'd have a couple of books written by now. Lamenting about how I haven't written any books has become a full-time occupation that leaves me little time to write. See post below for more on this. Except ignore the part where I supposedly had figured it all out.

Spirituality* - I am in a very good place with this right now. My personal path keeps leading me further and further away from organized religion. I simply do not need any intermediary between myself and Spirit, no matter what the intermediaries might say about it. I was raised without religion, so of course, I felt like I was missing out on something. And when I say "raised without religion" I mean it. We didn't talk about it. It became something mysterious in my mind. It became something other people understood and I didn't. And where I grew up, we were pretty much the only family I knew that didn't go to church.

I wanted in the club. So I joined the club as an adult. It felt great. I loved it! I joined the Catholic Church and the rituals and traditions and the kneeling and standing and reciting just turned me on. But then one day I looked around and realized that I didn't "believe". And the whole deal seemed to be what I believed. I professed, over and over, that I believed this and that. And while I wasn't necessarily in a state of total disbelief, I wasn't sure what I believed and I knew that my beliefs seemed to fluctuate almost daily. And that didn't seem to be the way it was supposed to work.

I became uncomfortable with a creed-based faith. Then I became EXTREMELY uncomfortable with the blurring of the lines between church and state. Of course, I've never met a priest I didn't immediately adore (ok - maybe 1. make that 2.) and there was the whole kneeling and reciting stuff I loved so it took awhile for me to actually leave the church. The process was painful but exhilarating and looking back, was one of the most fulfilling and enriching times of my life.

Initially, I still considered myself to be a Christian. Because I am a Jesus fan. Big time. Love the guy. He was crazy radical and if you check my immediate circle of friends you will see that I love crazy radical types. I thought that being a Jesus fan made me a Christian. But it doesn't. Because we go back to the belief issues. Was Jesus the son of God? I know that millions of people think so. To me, it sounds unlikely. And I fail to see the importance of this belief. When I read about Jesus he was preaching a message. And the message was about how we are to live our lives and love each other. I'd really rather focus on that aspect of Christianity. And if you focus on that aspect, you see that there is very little difference between the three monotheistic faiths. Judaism, Islam, and Christianity all preach the same message, in that respect. Which is cool.

Anyway, I am not a Christian. I have gone back to where I started in that journey. At mid-life, I find that I just kind of went in a circle for a few years. I'm in the process of turning around and going in a new direction, outside of the circle, entirely. Don't want to go around, again. I've gone a bit down the new liking what I see. Maybe I'll share a little about that in another post as long as y'all promise not to get all excited and worked up and defensive. Because the journey is leading me outside of monotheist traditions.

Physical Self* - Definitely needs some work. I am overweight and unhappy about it. Don't tell me how to lose weight. I know how. I just need to do it. I do not like the physical aspect of aging. I am vain. I do not like my gray hair and currently color it. I do not like the wrinkles and the way my face is sagging. I think I need to turn inward on this one. Dealing with the exterior is actually interior work. So a big part of this mid-life journey I'm starting will be about accepting where I am on this path. But still - I FEEL the same as I did when I was 18. It doesn't seem fair that I feel one way and look another. I'm trying to find a new style. I do not want to be a middle-aged woman dressing like a teenager. But I don't know what it means to be middle-aged. I don't know what it is supposed to look like. When I see it, I know what it is NOT supposed to look like. I do not like to see the pierced belly button of a woman my age unless she has a personal trainer. But I'm not ready for sensible, either. I've never been a sensible girl. It seems that at some point, sensible should enter into the mid-life picture? As in sensible shoes? I don't know. Would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Financially* - Well, we are never going to be rich. In fact, we are never going to be comfortable. My husband has a job he likes and that is worth a lot that money can't replace. I left a high-paying job I didn't enjoy to do what I'm doing....raising the kiddos, of which we have too many. We have too little impulse control. We have a lot of fun. But I would like to feel more in control and I think that is also something I'm going to deal with in this mid-life place. We have one who will be starting college in a couple of years.

So yeah. Taking stock. Making plans. Looking both behind and ahead at the same time. I'll never be at this exact same place again. Right in the middle. I'm balancing here for just awhile. I'm considering my options and deciding where to go next. Because with the very first step - time is gonna tilt. But, like everyone else, I'll take that step. Let's just hope I know where I'm going. Then again, the whole blind-forging-ahead-thing has worked pretty well up until now.

In the meantime, I'm going to allow myself a few follies. The first one happens tomorrow.


  1. I'm about 4 years behind you, but have begun to think about a lot of the things you wrote about. I might use your post as a template to write about where I am in my life with respect to these categories.

  2. ***raising the kiddos, of which we have too many.***

    I know that you don't really mean this.
    Think about what that says. At what point did it become too many and who would you give back? None I am sure.

    "How can you say there are too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers."
    -Mother Theresa

    Although it seems that some come with a lot more thorns :D

  3. At first I thought Mother Theresa had left me a comment, but then I figured out it was 9 Texans. The **too many kiddos** quote is meant in the financial context - that was the part of my life I was pondering in that paragraph. And in that context we have too many! But not too many in general :). 9 Texans knows what I dream about....

  4. thank you 9 texans for your words. right on.