Friday, July 17, 2009

A Little Support Please!

I know this is getting boring - the whole "me repeatedly mentioning how hot it is in every blog post" - but seriously - it is HOT! If you think you're getting bored with it imagine how I feel! I wish it would freaking cool down to 98 or something. GOSH. But it makes me feel better to know it is only a Natural Warming Trend that is leading my back yard to full-fledged desert status. Knowing it is "natural" means that there is nothing I can do about it and then I can go back to watching TV or whatever. If I thought that my huge gas-guzzling van, or my AC, or the mercury-belching coal plant a little north of here, was contributing to this sizzling problem then I might have to do yeah. Major relief. It is just a Natural Warming Trend. How convenient. We wouldn't want anything inconvenient because that would be political.

Anyway - what to do during a Natural Warming Trend Of Which I Have Nothing To Do With? Go to one of our favorite cool places, of course! With my BCF (Best Conservative Friend) also known as 9 (+)Texans, and her kids, of course! In our big, gigantic gas-guzzling busses, of course!

We headed to Landa Park which is in the nearby town of New Braunfels, Texas. I went to this park when I was a little kid and am thrilled to be able to take my own kids there. When I was a kid, by the way? No Natural Warming Trend. It was hot during the summer - but our school was un-airconditioned and nobody died. Now? Someone would die. Anyway, enough of that. Here is a pic of the Landa Park Spring-fed Pool.
Yeah, that big slide-thing is way fun. And the water is cold! Yay! You don't know how rare a cold pool is during the Natural Warming Trend. The local pool we usually visit feels like a warm bathtub. So the cold spring-fed pool at Landa feels great! There's lots of shade and a shallow area for the little guys to go down a slide, hop on the lilly pads, and chase fishies. And speaking of chasing.....9 (+) Texans has her hands full with Little Lu Lu who is 3 and just runs all over the dang place. 9 (+) Texans should do something about that. Little Lu Lu was EVERYWHERE. And she moves considerably faster than 9 (+) Texans, who also has a 1-year-old, who I call The Snail because he always leaves behind a slimy trail. (At our 4th of July party he left a lovely trail throughout my home that included a toilet bowl brush in my bedroom - I followed the puddles to find it - and a liter bottle of soda that had been mouthed by someone who had recently eaten a chocolate brownie....fairly disgusting). Anyway, she also has a 5-year-old and a whole slew of medium-to-big-sized kids who play with my medium-to-big-sized kids.

That's right. Starting today. In fact, I might be losing weight right now. Yesterday, while at the spring-fed pool I stuck with the local custom of wearing a swimsuit. Bleh.
Here I have this brand new awesomely sexy tattoo on my foot and the part of me from the knees up does not match the awesomely sexy rest of me. And I kept seeing women my age running around in little skirt suits (and not the cute skirt suits, either - because there are some cute skirt suits) with their tattooed shoulders or whatever and I just don't want to end up in a skirt suit with a tattoo. Now then, don't get me wrong. I probably NEED a skirt suit. But it doesn't match my tattoo, ya know? It just doesn't.
I was wearing a really pretty dark brown suit with shirring on the sides (supposed to be flattering but all the shirring in the world can't move eyes away from my thighs). The suit came with little inserts for the breast area. If I keep gaining weight I am going to be forced to refer to my breasts as my "bosom" and so that is another reason to trim down...anyway - so I promptly lost the little inserts because I lose everything and they weren't sewn in. No matter. They're just little inserts, right? Wrong. They helped give some much need firmness and a little bit-o-lift. I need a lot of lift, but every little bit helps.

I wore the suit anyway. Screw the inserts.

So I disrobed. I stood at the pool in my lovely brown shirred suit. And Ellie (16) says, "So can you adjust those straps?" She says this with her little smirk. She stares at my bosom. God did I say bosom? I meant breasts. "I lost the inserts!" I say. "So what?" I say.

"Let me adjust your straps," says Ellie. And she does. My bosom (dang!) is lifted a millimeter.
"There!" she says with her smirk. "That's better."

"Yeah, you just wait," I said. "When I was your age I didn't need inserts."

"Well, Mom, I will not need inserts because I have willpower."

WHAT? Seriously, what the eff is this about?

"Karen," I say to my friend. "Did you know Ellie plans to hold up her breasts with will power?"

"Oh," says Karen. "I don't have will power."

Well, that was obvious but I wasn't going to say anything because she is my friend.

So what is it that this kid thinks causes the downward migration of breasts? Here I was thinking it was because I had breastfed her and her four siblings (YOU'RE WELCOME) and gravity and age and the loss of elasticity due to age and how many times have I said age? God. Seriously. God. Give me the strength not to kill her and her unsupported breasts. THAT is going to take some freakin' will power.

Hah! I did it! 9 (+) Texans challenged me to blog about will power AND the toilet bowl brush incident in one post. I did it.

I am the master. Now if I could only will my breasts to perk up.

Signing Off as as the under-supported (in so many ways) Sardine Mama


  1. Now if only you could have added the image of the two of us and our willpowerless bosoms and childbearing hips dressed in bathing suits digging through the trash looking for your cell. THAT is a pretty picture :D
    This post made me lol :D
    I think I am going to tape Lucy to one of those nifty orange flags we used to have on our bikes when we were kids. I need a quicker way to spot her as she tries to go home with another family. Now why in the world would she do that?
    Consider yourself doing your part to help build Tristan's immune system. You know, kids don't eat enough dirt and get exposed to enough germs anymore hence causing more asthma etc...chewing on your toilet bowl brush is helping T avoid asthma! Go carol!

  2. This post cracked me up, Carol. Thanks for brightening my day. :)

  3. That's hilarious. Maybe you could come up with some chant that would help. Something similar to the chant from the book Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. "I must, I must, I must perk up my bust". Couldn't hurt. :-)

  4. carol you rock & suzanne, that's awesome. i love knowing you guys!! :)