Saturday, October 24, 2009

According to My Big Ass Utensil Drawer

God. That felt good. I just murdered a plastic storage container. And dumped the body (into recycling, of course - not a land fill - because I am a conscientious murderer of plastic storage containers).

Last week I cleaned out the cabinet with all of the plastic storage containers. I had ninety-billion bottoms with no tops. I had ninety-billion tops with no bottoms. And I got rid of them all. Every. Last. One.

And then today I open up the cabinet and there sits a topless container. Taunting me. So I slammed it with a meat tenderizer. I probably should have left it lying about to discourage other topless containers from trying to sneak in here...but I have little kids and can't just leave mangled and bludgeoned plastic lying about.

While I was murdering the container (which was harder than it looks, by the way) - Ellie poked her head out the door, took a quick look, and closed the door. A couple of other kids walked through the kitchen, gave a quick glance, and kept on going. Nobody said, "Oh Mother, why art thou banging a meat-tenderizer-sledge-hammer-thing into the plastic container?" Nobody said a word. Which is an indication of the way things work around here.

I often think that at least one of these five kids is going to grow up to write a book but I'm not sure any of the little blokes are aware that anything is ummmmm....out of the ordinary. Because that is how crazy works. Someday one of them will say, "You mean your mother didn't beat up plastic bowls with a hammer while shouting How The Hell Did You Get In Here You *#$!# Piece of Plastic!!!! ? Hmmmmm......." That could open up a humongous Pandora's Box of Things Our Mother Did that Other Mothers Didn't. So maybe there will be a book, after all.

The meat tenderizer, by the way? I don't use it. Ever. So, of course I have two.

Last week was Tupperware, today is the Big Ass Cooking Utensil Drawer....and next week is the God Forsaken JUNK drawer.
I found all sorts of things in the Big Ass Cooking Utensil Drawer. How many sets of chopsticks is one non-Asian family supposed to have, by the way? Not to mention the 10 PAIRS of training chopsticks I found. Training chopsticks!! Because chopsticks were apparently freakishly important to me at one time!!! And I felt it was necessary to train my children in the ways of the chopstick with actual training chopsticks!!! And I have no memory of this!!!
If my Big Ass Cooking Utensil Drawer is any indication of my mental stability then I am a Total Wreck of a Woman. Oh my God. That would be an awesome title to the book one of my kids will surely write: Total Wreck of a Woman.

Also? To go along with the meat tenderizing weapons I don't use because we rarely eat meat? I have these nifty braising or basting or glazing or whatever you call them brushes. Which are obviously hard to clean. And fairly disgusting. And I think two of them might be actual paintbrushes.

And what the HELL is this? Joel says it is a peanut cooker.

PLEASE....I am begging you.....someone give me permission to throw my husband's baby spoon away. Anyone. The first person to respond to this plea for help will receive the beautiful peanut cooker shown above.
And I will throw in a lemon zester for good measure. Because I have 3.

And 3 ice cream scoops. That I am keeping. Because sometimes I dish out that much ice cream.

And 3 garlic presses.

I would like to tell you how many corkscrews I found but I'm afraid you would draw some sort of conclusion or make some kind of incorrect assumption or inaccurate correlation between the number of corkscrews I own and the amount of wine I consume. And that would be alarming.
And by the way, People? I would like some comments. More followers would be nice, too. And yes, I am casually tapping the meat tenderizer against my leg while I type this.....not that I'm making any threats....
Signing Off as a Heavily Armed and Over-Equipped Sardine Mama


  1. Oh My! You are hilarious. Just so you know, I adore your blog - I get excited when I see that you have a post up. I'm not sure how I started following you, some homeschool connection somehow. I know that you are an OM momma, and I'm a DI momma, so I especially enjoy your OM posts. That one last year about the costume/prop bits flying across the parking lot - oh yeah. BTDT.

    Sherri in OR
    who needs apparently needs a meat tenderizer so I too can bludgeon wayward plastic containers. Wham-O! I bet that was enormously satisfying... keep on fighting the good fight, sister.

  2. Thanks for commenting, Sherri! Really! But you didn't tell me if that little thing in the picture is an actual peanut cooker. Nor did you give me permission to throw out the spoon. I am still hangin' here....

    Are you guys doing DI this year?

  3. a) ellie says i sound desperate by asking for comments
    b) ellie says i sound double-desperate by commenting on my own blog
    c) my dad says the peanut cooker is a bubble blower
    d) jeff says it is a gadget to hold something down while frying...
    e) i could have done this in five separate comments to make it look like i have tons of comments, but that would appear desperate. which i am not.
    f) desperate, that is.

  4. You have my permission to throw away his baby spoon, but only if you do NOT send me the peanut-cooker-fryer-utensil-bubble maker own junk drawer is full to bursting, too!

  5. 1. Tell the kids that the baby spoon is precious and that they must. not. touch. it. It will be bone in a day.
    2. No idea what that thing is. Let's just call it Larry.
    3. I would actually use a meat tenderizer. For meat. But I don't have one. Instead I us a rolling pin. I rarely make cookies or pie, so naturally I have two rolling pins.
    4. I had planned...

  6. comment even before I saw your plea for comments, so I guess I just stretch this one into two.
    5. Oh look! I just did.

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  9. Let's make it three, shall we?
    I meant to say gone, not bone. I must have um, Halloween on the mind. Yes, definitely Halloween. Let go with that.

  10. Love it! Throw away the spoon, keep the peanut cooker, though I would take a lemon zester, and enjoy all the comments! One of these I am totally going to meet you in real life (will have to ask Janet to arrange this... I am not really THAT stalker-ish, but close, LOL... just another homeschooling, AP momma in your fan club... yeah, how can you beg for comments when you have your own fan club?)

  11. 5 basting brushes!?!? wow. As for the peanut cooker, I was sitting here staring at the pic, my son walks by asks what it is. I told him I didn't know. He reads the sentence before it and says - "well, why don't you just google "peanut cooker" and see what it says". ha.

    Throw away the spoon. Or melt it down and sell the silver.

  12. Carol, I love your posts! They always make me feel so good. Not in the sense that in comparison to you, I feel less crazy or anything ... They always make me smile or, more likely, laugh.

    I never even knew there was a utensil that was just a lemon zester! This could have really helped me out once or twice in my life.

    And by the way, there was a banner-type ad that was stalking me all the way down your blog. I would scroll, and it would follow. Do you know about this? It was asking me to take a survey.

  13. A peanut-cooker and an unnatural amount of corkscrews...hmmmm, you sound like a peanut-loving wine-drinker :)

    Like Julia above, I got chased by a moving banner here too. I need to fend it off with a peanut-cooker.

    Enjoying your bloggy, Sardine Mama!

  14. Enjoy reading your post-card from the edge;)

  15. need more followers? Girl you got 23...that glass is half full. Trust me. I had to beg borrow & blackmail the 15 Facebook "fans" currently posted on my smile :) Also, you are funny as heck. I laughed out loud at this post and BELIEVE me when I tell is hard to make me laugh. I am just NOT one of those naturally upbeat, easy to make laugh kinda people and most blogs just make me roll my eyes...yours was so good I felt compelled to leave this comment. Good stuff...Honest :)

  16. Everyone, meet Ashfab, my new best friend. Ashfab, this is everyone.

  17. You made my day. I have never commented but have been lurking on your blog for a while. It makes me laugh like crazy when you say the things I am here are some more thoughts:

    A. There can never be enough corkscrews in a woman's life.
    B. I am scared to clean my drawers out because they have obviously been reproducing chop sticks while I have not been looking.
    C. Please please throw the baby spoon away so I can throw away my husbands create-your-own-plate that is chipped and no one is allowed to eat off is just to admire the wonderful house drawing the would-be architect did at 7 years old *eye-roll*

    Keep up the posts we are out there laughing with you.

  18. Hi! Just found your blog and am now becoming a put the tenderizer down!!!
    I found 8 corkscrews in my kitchen the other day and neither me or my husband drinks. I have no idea where they come from!

  19. AshFab - it was great while it lasted - our being best friends and all. But now I love Jess....and Raising Seven Vegans.....basically whoever loves me last loves me most :)