Sunday, January 31, 2010

That's Entertainment

They say there's nothing good on TV, anymore. But LOST comes back on this Tuesday. I can't wait!! I'm a Sawyer-Girl. I'm not necessarily proud of it - of my being a beefcake fan and all - but there you have it. So I'm looking forward to Tuesday.

In the meantime, I have found other things on television to entertain me. Like the Republican Gubernatorial Debates, for example. True - I am voting for the Palestinian Flat-Iron Chi Guy - but I'm not an idiot and I know we'll end up with a Republican governor. So I'm rooting for one of them, too. Those of you who know (and love) me have already probably figured out which one. My Conservative friends are muttering under their breaths, "You know she's rooting for that one..." and my Liberal friends are going, "You know she's rooting for that one..." while calling me Benedict Arnold behind my back. Oh well. I have actually read that Benedict Arnold is terribly misunderstood.

I'm only poking fun, here. I don't have to take this too seriously, because as I indicated, my vote doesn't count. I realize that a whole lot of folks are taking this quite seriously and maybe don't think it is so funny - 'cause their votes count and all and they're actually having to consider who is the least of the 3 evils. I'm personally relieved of that responsibility during governor races in Texas. So that frees me up to poke fun.

There is something I adore about all 3 Republican candidates. I love Debra Medina because she is for secession (she now says she isn't officially "for" secession - that her secession comments about a bloody civil war were taken out of context). Anyhoo - like I was sayin' - she is for secession and I personally think secession would be kind of cool. I am all for it, in theory. Also? She called Rick Perry a twitchy, jumpy frat boy. And that was when she really stole my heart. We might not be agreein' on our politics but dangit, she and I could have drinks together and talk about twitchy, jumpy frat boys. And Good Old Boys. She and I are also for the protection of the rights and freedoms of individuals. The difference is that I think gay people are individuals and she thinks they're Satan's spawn. In fact, she stated that her beliefs on the gay marriage issue are the result of her religious convictions (she says she is a Born Again Christian). Now doesn't that mean she is applying her religious beliefs to civil liberties issues? Whatever. I adore her -mostly because she just hates the other two (Perry and Hutchison) so dang much.

Which brings me to Rick Perry. I have a thing for twitchy, jumpy frat boys. He's freaking adorable in a "You Old Stinker" way. He has a little George Dubya Bushiness about him - and I will be the first one to say George and I could keep each other rolling on the ground holding our bellies at Happy Hour. Seriously. We'd be good friends if we ever met. That adorable crooked little grin and all. Old Rick does the same little, "Who, me?" look when he's been caught doing something like.....I don't know.....issuing an honest-to-god Executive Order saying that all our Texas daughters have to get vaccinated against a sexually transmitted virus. This seemed like a good enough idea. But then it came out that Merck (the company manufacturing the vaccine) has a lobbyist named Michael Toomey, who also happens to have been Perry's former Chief of Staff. There's more on this involving mothers-in-law and Women in Government, but I don't want to bore you with it. My point is, when all this came out, Perry just grinned that adorable Awww Shucks grin and everybody kinda went, "That's okay. Just don't do it again, alright Skipper?"

There are more things I like about Rick Perry. I like the way he wears his little gimme caps in an effort to be one of the ordinary folks. They look good on him. I like him in a cowboy hat, too. I adore the way he brings up the words Lord, God, Jesus, and Pro-Life in strange, disconnected and random ways during regular old conversations about he has Tourette's Syndrome. It is endearing. During the debate, he was asked if he would serve out all 4 years if elected (there have been rumors of higher aspirations than Governor of the Lone Star State) and he replied that he had no idea what God had in store for him. His blessed life is in God's hands. Was the freaking reporter questioning God's judgement? Can you believe that the reporter questioned God's judgement? I sure can't. A choir of angels started singing and a beam of light shone upon Perry's head at that very moment and he was like, "Pro-Life, Baby!!" It was spectacular. I had tears in my eyes.

And finally - we arrive at my Protagonist of this story - Kay Bailey Hutchison. I like her because she is so naive. Even after all those years in Washington! She continues to think that if she just answers the questions in the debate, without praising Jesus and all, she will make sense and people will vote for her. See how disconnected she is from her own home state? Kay - Girlfriend - YOU CANNOT WIN WITHOUT THE HELP OF JESUS. Not here. You and I need to talk. Also? When you try to make Perry look bad by mentioning his cronyism? And he winks into the camera? He wins. As long as Perry is giving favors to friends, people will continue to vote for him in the hopes of becoming his friends. Also? When you talked figures and numbers and dollars? It bored us. Our eyes glazed over. It was more exciting when Medina name-called and Perry prayed out loud. THAT was entertainment. You need to liven it up a little bit. And? We cringed just a little (and audiences do not like to cringe) when you were shown in a video supporting Roe v Wade all those years ago.....and then you made that face after? The one that said, "Holy Cow I'm f*cked"? It made us double-cringe. Work on that. In the meantime, if I weren't a Liberal Democrat voting for the Palestinian? I would totally vote for you. Even if you are a "Washington Insider" who comes from the place where the Bad Black Man lives. I think you're actually pretty smart. I hope that makes you feel better. When you lose.

Well, that's my pathetic political commentary. For now anyway. I'll have more to say when the Democrats get to debate each other. That will be all flat-out crazy and everything. Did I say flat? As in flat iron? Because Farouk Shami, inventor of my flat iron, is seeking the Democratic nomination. Have you seen my hair? Yes? Then you understand my devotion to Shami. I'll let y'all know how he does in the debate. Even though it is going to hurt.

Signing off as the Sardine Mama, Commintin' on the Politikin'


  1. Love it! Gotta love keepin' it real in a red state! I'm actually volunteering with a Republican campaign this year. My friends think I've totally lost it. But the secret is that I've found a lost treasure.... a sane conservative!!!

    BTW- Blogger wants me to enter the word "curfle" for my comment word verification. That sounds about right. Texas politics is one big curfle.

  2. IMO, Debra Medina is the only sane choice for the Republican nominee. I'd rather chew glass then vote for one of the other two. Pretty much for all the same reasons that you dislike Perry and Hutchison, I do too. Gasp, shock, awe.....we?agree? (kinda) on a political issue? has the world spun off its axis??
    love ya my BLF.

  3. And you gotta admit - it WOULD be cool to secede :) long as you folks don't run me out on a rail when we do!!

  4. We can't secede because the Republic of Texas Air Force Academy wouldn't be nearly as cool for Jack as the United States Air Force Academy.

  5. Farouk all the way!!!

  6. All the curly-headed girls love Farouk!

  7. Really enjoyed this, Carol. Isn't it sad statement to live in a state that will always choose entertainment over statesmanship? Thanks for helping find the humor in all this nonsense.