Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Everyone Loves an Expert

My Pussycat Parenting post got a lot of hits.  Well, a lot of hits for me, anyway.  A good 40% of the people were still googling whether or not they should feed sardines to their babies - a few were looking for that awesome photo of Anthony Kiedis kissing Eddie Vedder (I've posted it twice now)....and ding ding ding!  Someone probably just landed HERE because I mentioned posting it twice now and they are thus very confused and wondering how they got here.  Also? For the rest of you?  YES you can feed sardines to your babies if you are hell-bent on doing so.  They're a good source of Vitamin E.  But you shouldn't feed your babies anything solid before 6 months of age....in my opinion.  If you want to hear more of my opinions on the matter of babies and sardines you can go here, where I took a ridiculous amount of time a couple of years ago to address this topic due to the sheer volume of requests about the matter....and yes, I'm amazed that I did it.

But at least a couple of people ended up reading about Pussycat Parenting intentionally - yay!  I even had people end up here through a link that turned up on the Huffington Post and some medical education site.  So now I feel all official-like.  I feel like An Expert.  I hate experts.  Truly.  Unless I find one who agrees with me about Things.  Doesn't happen all that often.

So in my official role as Expert I've decided to write a book.  That's right.  Along with the rest of the world, I'm going to try and ride Tiger Mom's coattails.  In fact, I bet there are already versions of Pussycat Parenting hitting the bookshelves right now.  You should not buy them.  You should wait for mine.  Mine will arrive just shortly after everyone stops caring and Tiger Mom becomes Tiger Who. Because that's how I roll....right behind the wave or slightly next to it.  But I have an angle because I am a Pussycat Mom who ended up with a Tiger Cub.  Unschooled, unruled, and unrestricted....she turned out quite nicely Asian on the Inside anyway. What does this prove?  Nothing really.  It's probably just a coincidence or a freak circumstance but as an expert, I conclude that it also has something to do with the fact that good parenting boils down to love and attention - whether you choose to do it like a tiger or a pussycat doesn't really matter. 

My Tiger Cub and I recently had an argument in the car...she apparently doesn't care that I am now an Expert.  I was driving her to her Music Theory test at a local university like all of the other Tiger Moms....and telling her how I'm going to write a book (she remained completely unimpressed by this revelation of parenting expertise...in fact, she had the gall to raise one eyebrow).  I told her that when I appear on the Ellen DeGeneres Show she can also appear on the Ellen Show and play the piano.  "In fact," I told her, "I shall insist that you also appear on the Ellen Show." 

"I'm not playing the piano on the Ellen Show," she said.

"What?" I screamed.  "That's my angle.  You're my angle!  I'll talk about how rocking awesome my parenting style is and then you'll play something fast and impressive and everyone will freak out and agree that I must have a rocking awesome parenting style."

"I'm not playing the piano on the Ellen Show," she said again.

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"You WILL play on the Ellen Show if I tell you to play on the Ellen Show."

That's right.  We had a freaking argument over whether or not Ellie will participate in my fame by making me look good on the Ellen Show.  It ended with me saying something like, "We both know I'm not really going to appear on the freaking Ellen Show!  So can't you just SAY you'll play on the Ellen Show?  You know, just SAY it?  It's not like it's going to happen....."


Do you see how I've already been corrupted by my fame and glory?  Do you see how the Huffington Post and it's stupid little blue link to Sardines in a Can has dragged me down into the depths of despair?  Do you see how close I came to screaming, "You will play on the &*&%ing  Ellen Show BECAUSE I SAID SO, Missy!!!"  I've never wanted to call anyone Missy, before.  But I so wanted to say Missy while hissing out spittle like Mommy Dearest.

I know.  I'm still shaking over here.  I was that close.  The next thing you know I'll be contemplating a naughty mat and timer. 

**If you'd like to book me for an event for my pre-release tour, just contact my agent.  If you'd like to be my agent, leave me comment.

Also?  Here is my kid playing something else.  Wouldn't she look good on the Ellen Show?

Etude in G-Sharp Minor, Op. 25, No. 6 - Chopin / Ellen Pavliska from Ellen Pavliska on Vimeo.

Sardine Mama (who shall hence forth be known famously as the Pussycat Mom)


  1. I think I have I child who might need a Tiger mom. Having an above average child makes me think I should do something more. Thanks for reminding me he will be what he will be no matter how hard we do or don't try.

  2. That's what I'm here for, Jas....setting the bar low :).

  3. How ungrateful of her not to appear with you on Ellen. Afterall, didn't you name her after Ellen D? Plus, she owes you. After putting in over 18 years of topnotch-ish parenting and all. Geez. I would just drag her along and make her sit at the piano. I bet she would play her a$$ off with America looking at her. But really, she does play a fierce Chopin. Gotta give her that! You trained her well. Plus, what art is that hanging in your Music Room?

  4. I think you WILL be on the Ellen Show, yes indeedy! I reckon, you'll be on the Ellen Show, the Today Show, the People Talking on T.V. About Stuff In the Morning Show, AND you'll be interviewed, in person, by Arianna Huffington. You'll have your own Lear jet within a year, and be played, SOON, in a movie by, oh—who, you feel like—Julia Roberts or Angie?

    So if Ellie doesn't want to appear on any of these shows, she'll miss out on your amazing rider which'll stipulate your dressing room must be decorated entirely with chocolate, and minions must pour champagne at 30 second intervals. Oh, and I reckon Mark Ruffalo should be there to massage your feet.

    It'll be an opportunity (or opportunities) not to be missed! Did you tell her all that? Did you?

    I think your book will ROCK. As does this post! Truly. And the one before. Every post is golden. And no, I am not going to be the crazed fan waiting outside the t.v. studios asking you to take me home with you. I just think you're great an' stuff.

  5. I think it is cute that Mark thinks you have a music room. Or art. Or a music room with art in it :) (the piano is in the same room as the TV--that is the music room. Didn't you see her post about making Ellie stop playing the piano so Carol can watch American Idol?) This was filmed at some recital hall place--not sure which one. One of those places where there is an actual audience where people yell BRAVO really loudly (seriously, they do--these are actual, real fans, people who didn't know Ellie when she was 6 but are showing up cause she is famous and all. even if she refuses to play on Ellen)

  6. pfft. who's paying for college? hmmmm???? hmmmm????

  7. ha ha ha ha ha ha....that's me laughing along with Susan over the idea of my having a music room or art or a music room with art in it :). And yes, we do regularly make her stop banging on the piano so we can do something cultural like watch American Idol. MARK I LOST A FOLLOWER. I feel your pain. Since I haven't written anything incredibly offensive in awhile, I'm assuming it was the shameless bragging? go figure.

  8. She'd look freaking awesome on the Ellen show.

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  10. I meant to say. . .in my expert opinion Ellen is annoying. I agree with your daughters decision.

  11. Speaking of losing followers, how do I un-follow a blog? I haven't figured this one out. I will do it in stealth when the blogger isn't paying attention, and I'm sure they won't notice. Or maybe I could have a phantom me on blogger to keep following the blogs I'm not really interested in. That way, no one gets hurt.

    Surely you could Photoshop Ellie into the Ellen show or set up a Youtube performance, when it comes up. Or maybe she will change her mind?