Saturday, March 19, 2011

It Was A Whopper...and a Frusciante

This is a Saturday Smorgasbord, and it shall include both dream analysis and a couple of movie critiques - so you're really getting your money's worth.  Unless you came here for something other than dream analysis or movie critiques, in which case you're getting exactly what you paid for.

Last night Ellie and I decided to catch a show, as they say.

"Let's see Red Riding Hood so we can make fun of it," Ellie said.  I hate to admit this, but Ellie and I are cinematography snobs and sometimes we see movies for the sole purpose of becoming irate. 

"Nah, I don't want to waste my money.  Let's see that movie with the cute guy who dumped Taylor Swift and the train."

Because she is my kid she knew just the movie I was talking about.  We checked the show times at the nearest cinema (well, actually it isn't the nearest - our small town has an ADORABLE theater but it wasn't showing anything we wanted to see so we agreed to hit the city theaters) and saw that Limitless started at 7:15. 

So off we went, arriving at 7:13 which was freaking awesome.  Or at least it would have been if the movie called Limitless had indeed been the movie with the cute guy and the train, which we discovered it was not.  It was a movie with Robert DeNiro, and in retrospect, we should have seen it, but Ellie said, "Look!  Red Riding Hood is showing Right Now.  Let's see it."

So we did.  And it was horrible.  We thoroughly enjoyed it.

Directed by the same guy who did the Twilight movies (and please don't lynch me but we laughed our way through those, come on - there were scenes where you could see where the white make-up ended at the open collar...), it had some deliciously pathetic scenes.  Red Riding Hood's mom was suffering from an overabundance of botox and wore lots of make-up even though everyone else was in peasant attire....and the guy who killed the wolf had a little bit of a Tennessee accent as he said fantastically predictable things like, "Kill the beast!" and "Tonight we celebrate!" and "The wolf is dead!"  It was everything we'd hoped it would be and MORE.

The love interest of Red Riding Hood had many painfully long head shots where the young actor tried to maintain extended expressions of intense longing...and if you'd only painted his face white down to the collar he'd have looked just like Edward Cullen.  The worst scene was the Feast Scene (Tonight we celebrate!) which featured some rather embarrassing dancing...think a mixture of Jane Austen waltzes, jazz hands and shimmies, with a little bit of bump and grind pole flair thrown in for good measure.  There was also drumming and the required waving of the turkey legs in the air.  During the excitement of this particularly delightful scene I suffered an unfortunate incident involving a Whopper.  I'm not talking hamburgers, I'm talking malted milk balls.

I had picked up one oversized box of Whoppers while at Tractor Supply buying chick feed because I knew we were going to the movies after and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I smuggled them into the movies even though I'm pretty sure they cost the same at Tractor Supply - because I'm wicked that way.  Now then, I don't think that many folks buy their movie concessions at Tractor Supply and here's why.  They were a and chewy with a pasty, powdery  substance covering their chocolate shells.  I was sitting in the horrible movie eating them anyway (because I'm an addict and we do gross things like that), when I got one that tasted even worse than the others had.  I mean - it tasted BAD.  I made a face and a little sound and Ellie looked at me and said, "Oh yeah - I think those are rotten.  Don't eat them."

Maybe it was the word rotten.  I don't know.  But at that moment, I knew I couldn't swallow the Whopper.  I really couldn't.  By now, I was producing an overabundance of saliva, profusely salivating you know, and I said to Ellie, "I thont wanth this," probably with a long string of spit hanging from my chin. 

"Oh my god, swallow it mom!" she said while scooting as far away from me as her stationary theater seat would allow.

"I thant!"  I said.  Because I really couldn't.

"You have to!"

"No, I'm thunna sthpit it outh...gib me mah purth."

She handed me my purse, quite hastily, and with a horrified look of disgust on her face.

I dug in my purse.  Normally, finding something to spit a Whopper in would be no problem - as my purse is known around here as the trashcan on a strap.  But this is a NEW purse, still all clean on the inside, and no trash items whatsoever.  No dirty Kleenex or napkin or gum wrapper or ANYTHING.  Which is how I came to find myself spitting a Whopper into a feminine protection product just as Ellie glanced over at me and broke out into hysterical laughter.  I'm pretty sure this was the best part of the movie for her.

So the moral of this story is:  Don't see Red Riding Hood (it sucks) and Don't Buy Your Whoppers at Tractor Supply, and if you do, make sure you're armed with Feminine Protection.

While I'm discussing movies, let me just say that the Train/Cute Guy movie is called Source Code with Jake Gyllenhaal and it isn't out yet.  Also?  Jeff and I saw The Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon and we do not recommend it.  We're both Matt Damon fans so it was a disappointment.  It was good acting, good effects, but the story was very Junior High - there's a "Chairman" who turns out to be God and then basically angels running around in hats interfering with everyone's business.  Meh. 

This brings us to the part of the show where we do a little Dream Analysis.

I love to analyze dreams.  And I used to never understand people who said they couldn't remember their dreams.  I ALWAYS remembered my dreams. Until the past couple of years.  I think it is because I am a Big Girl now and I sleep through the night.  For many years I was either, pregnant, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, or ALL THREE and let's just say my slumbering was often disturbed.  Therefore, I was always waking up just after or during a dream - skipping many of the steps and processes that most people naturally undergo to fall asleep and wake up and all the stuff that happens in between.  Now?  I'm like the rest of you people - I go to sleep and I wake up in the morning, for the most part, completely clueless.  Sometimes I awaken with a feeling of irritation, happiness, or sadness...and I'm pretty sure it is the remnant of a dream, but no details.

So you can see how extremely happy I was to wake up this morning with about 70% of the details of my waking up dream all clear and readily available.  I am, however, having a bit of trouble figuring out what it means.  Here it is:

We (the family) met John Frusciante (formerly of the Red Hot Chili Peppers) at a frozen yogurt shop.  Nothing odd there, right?  Now normally, I don't like to discuss John Frusciante on the blog because a) it would be a strange revelation of a slight obsession I have and b) the man enjoys his privacy and what would he think if he knew I was discussing him in front of the 10 or so people who regularly read my blog and the 30 or so who end up here by accident while seeking information about the mating habits of sardines?  Anyway - because I'm sharing this dream I'm forced to discuss John Frusciante and I sincerely hope this doesn't somehow cause ripples in his mental/psychic sphere or anything...'cause he is sensitive in that way.

So.  John Frusciante is with us at the yogurt shop.  Where he buys me a spectacular pair of boots and the zipper broke on one of them but I didn't want him to know that because it would make him feel bad, so I hid the broken zipper.  Now then, so you get the full picture, I'd like to say that this was not the 41-year-old John Frusciante who is at this moment probably somewhere quite happily playing with a synthesizer, and it wasn't the 19-year-old Frusciante of the Mother's Milk was the Post Recluse / Post Heroin Frusciante - where he still looked a bit like a fragile Edward Scissorhands. 
Anyway - so during casual chit chat it is decided that it would be a good idea for Jules to spend the rest of the day with John Frusciante.  So off they go, driving away in a Volkswagen Beetle.

Then I say something along the lines of, "Holy crap - John Frusciante doesn't even have a driver's license because he's scared to drive and he just took off with our Asperger's hearing impaired 13-year-old son with a brain tumor!" 

"No problem," Jeff says.  "Let me call him and tell him to bring him back."  We then discover we don't have Frusciante's cell number.  In fact, we briefly discuss the possibility that Frusciante might be frightened of cell phones and not even have one. 

So THEN it just basically turned into your typical Can't Find My Kid Dream.  It went from lovely to traumatizing.  But I'm tickled I remembered it.  And I'll let you know if I bother to analyze it.

Now then, I really do think this post will pretty much kill off all of the remaining googlers getting here for Attachment Parenting advice...don't you?  Maybe I'll get back to that train of thought next time....then we'll have to round up a new herd of advice-seekers...having lost the existing batch through the repeated and determined posting of strange ramblings. What do you think?


  1. Absolutely brilliant as usual Carol. I love reading your blogs!!!!

  2. Your mind is like a big pinball machine. Zooming here and there and dinging and making little things flip over and spin... you never know where it will bounce to next, never know if you're gonna score or drain the sucker... or go tilt.
    Which is why I like reading here.

    Because my mind is like that, too. And if you're a fully functioning adult and doing okay, then that means I am, too.

    Yes, I understand that's not really logical.

    I don't care.

  3. Carol, your whopper story… what can I say? I totally guffawed. When I do that it's loud and it scares the kids. But it was worth it.

    Your dream is Stunning. Awesome. Made me so happy! And unfortunately for you it means I now want (NEED) to share some of my dreams with you, fellow dream-rememberer. Which one do you want to hear about? The one where I've been chosen to battle the monster who's going to destroy earth (literally in the dream I am The Chosen One), and I have to go into a dream state to do it, but then I say no because I'm a pacifist? Or the one where I'm disembarking surreptitiously off a plane I don't want to fly in, but the plywood doors on the plane won't close and I'm flicking flicking flicking at the little hook latch until I start to wonder how the passengers will get out if I lock them in? I know, it's hard to choose isn't it?

    If I say too often and too much how much I love your words then perhaps you'll think I'm like you and John Frusciante, and I might disturb your psychic sphere. And I'd hate to do that.

    (but I did love this and I do love your words. There. Hopefully no ripples)

  4. I thought I was the only one who had dreams like that. Except I always end up on a train with Lee DeWyze and he insists that I share tuna fish sandwiches with him.

    And we saw "Limitless." Aside from thinking that Bradley Cooper was FAR sexier as a loser guy with writer's block than as a successful stock genius, I could have skipped it.

    We did see "Bubble" today and felt all shiny and new again cinematographically.

  5. That's a shame about Red Riding Hood. I never get to movies these days, except for Shreck and films like that. But I was looking forward to Red Riding Hood when it comes out on Netflix. Sorry that it sucked!
    I've never had one dream about losing my kids. Thank God! But I can imagine you having those dreams since you constantly fret over losing your kids. I remember when Jeff lost them on the mountain. I was freaking out myself just reading about that day. I was also a little pissed at Jeff because that is something that Fred would do.
    Sleep tight!
    Your Friend, m.

  6. Carol, I think I busted a gut reading about the rotten Whopper and the feminine product. Hilarious!

  7. I think you have plenty of good ideas and I'm so proud to be one of "the 10 or so people" that read your blog because of the posts rather than by accident...
    I just hope I won't be dreaming about rotten anythings tonight, I need my sleep and I do not sleep with female whatever close to my bed, there's toys and other clutter enough already!

  8. What kind of boots? And where were they in the yogurt shop? Did Froosh have any yogurt? What flavor?

    Loved reading this, and more than mildly chuckled at the 'sensitive Frusciante' part. Thank you.

  9. I know nothing of dream analysis.
    I had a dream early this morning, a quickie of sorts.
    I think if you had screwed the Froosh for giving you the boots, he would have given you at least a fake phone number.
    Hope that helps.