Friday, April 1, 2011

It Ain't Ovary Yet!

Remember how I said that if I'm blogging I'm not writing and vice versa?  Well, I haven't blogged in a few days.  Good for me! Another 3,500 words or thereabouts.  I know it doesn't seem like all that much (I can knock out 13,000 on a weekend if I'm on a roll) but I was doing other things, too, you know. 

Like going to the gynecologist.  Yay! Not.

It had been about three years because this activity is not on my list of fun things to do. And the only reason I went this time is because I had totally convinced myself that I had ovarian cancer.  Do you know the symptoms of ovarian cancer?  You should know them because you most likely have them.  Whether or not you have ovaries.  That's right....if you're my Uncle Larry you probably have the symptoms of ovarian cancer because they are the symptoms of Basically Everything.  Have you seen that long list of afflictions that can get you an RX for marijuana in certain states?  Well, those are also the symptoms of ovarian cancer, and I had a few of them and I don't even live in a state where I could legally get pot to help myself out, which seems massively unfair and random. So. Convinced I was dying and of course, constantly joking about it with Jeff (because that is how I roll).....planning my funeral (which will be rocking awesome, by the way, if my plans are carried out ELLIE)....I decided to go to the doctor even though I'd already decided there was nothing that could be done to save me.

"So," he said. "Long time no see."

"Yeah, I know.  Listen, I'm pretty sure I have ovarian cancer. I have all the symptoms."

"What symptoms do you have?"

"Well, I feel bloated and crampy...." (I had other symptoms the descriptions of which you shall be spared.)

"You are probably approaching menopause."

"Yeah, right....I have virtually NO symptoms of being peri-menopausal buddy so just WATCH IT."

Doctor made a note.

"Also - I swear I have this sensitive tight feeling when I wear my favorite my abdomen is distended,and I have reflux and indigestion."

Doctor looks at my chart and opens his mouth to discuss my weight.  I narrow my eyes at him and he suggests a sonogram to check my ovaries which was more effing like it.

On our way to the sonogram room he says, "You know, when you were last here....umm....what was it?  Three years ago?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever....three years what?"
"Well," he said.  "It says in my notes that you came in because you were pretty sure you had ovarian cancer."

"REALLY?" I said.  "Wow! What a coincidence! I have no recollection of that whatsoever!"

Doctor writes "psycho" in my chart.

A few minutes later I was having my ovaries examined via sonogram.  I was told I could watch on the monitor. 

"Uhh, yeah....sure." 

A bunch of unidentifiable hooey pooey appears on the monitor.

"Oh look!" I say of what is identified as my left ovary.  "Is it sucking its thumb?"

Gynecologists have no sense of humor, by the way.  It was so quiet in there you could almost hear the nonexistent heartbeat of my left ovary.  Open Mic Night at the OBGYN. 

"Everything looks perfectly normal," he assured me.  He recommended no further testing, psychological or otherwise....he took care of a few other indelicate matters within the span of about twenty seconds, and I was on my merry way, skipping out the door with an order for a mammogram that will possibly give me breast cancer but that I will go and get anyway because everyone says I should.

In addition to that Big Fun Day Out, I also took kids to Odyssey of the Mind, oh! And here's a picture of the regional tournament I mentioned in a previous post.  This is Joel and Jules....Joel is Captain Ahab and Jules is Neo from the Matrix.  Joel has a peg leg ha ha.

This is not Joel's real beard.  It is his real hair, though. Sometimes people don't believe that.

So, when not an Odyssey meeting, we also did the usual piano, ballet, jazz, and tae kwon do.  Meals were cooked, children were repeatedly poked and prodded....there were several trips to the store. AND there was a party!  Jasper turned the Big 07.

Now usually, Jasper is not a party kind of guy - other people's parties or his own - he just doesn't dig the noise and activity. He's more of a Take Me Out To Dinner guy - otherwise known as my Dream Come True.  But lately, he's been uncharacteristically social.  He's had three successful play dates in as many weeks, as opposed to the kind he usually has. And he said, "I want a party this year."

"Really?" I said.  The last time he had a party he did okay - just one other family came - but after the party was over he was a total melting mess from the stress of it all.  The only other party he ever had was at a very old and tiny amusement park full of antique rides....several of his little friends showed up to ride rides and  eat cake.  We have a picture of Jasper sitting at one table eating cake, and all the party guests at another.  But this year, Jasper insisted he was going to have all kinds of awesome fun at his party.  He even branched out and, on his own, invited a couple of little boys he really didn't know all that well, in addition to the old standbys of the thick-skinned variety who he usually plays with.

Jasper became overwhelmed really quickly and took to his bed, as they say.  I managed to drag him out, and he then watched the other kids play a couple of games.  He blew out a candle that was suppsoed to sparkle but didn't....actually I think he just let out a big old sigh but we'll call it blowing out candles.

He opened presents rather unenthusiastically (he liked the presents - but he doesn't care for having people watch him open them) and then everyone was on their way.  Whew!!  But good for him for trying!!  We'll see what happens next year - kids can change SO MUCH in a year.  But among his siblings, he has two partiers and two non-partiers (can you guess who is who?) only time will tell.

Jeff was traveling all week, but he came home literally to be with Jasper on the morning of his birthday (tradition for us) and to make Jasper his favorite birthday dinner that night (tradition for me).  Jasper woke up at 3:30 am on his birthday, and I crankily sent him back to bed.  But bright and early he came sprinting back in after waking up the sibs, and snuggled under the covers, waiting to get busy with the opening of the gifts in the family bed. 

The older boys really hate this family tradition....even on their own birthdays.  Here is Joel waking up (spoiler alert - he got a haircut).

Here are Jasper and Camille suggling with Daddy, or hurting him, one or the other.

And here is Ranger with Jules (dogs are invited to the morning present-opening).  Ranger was bit by a rattlesnake last week - another story for another time. 

Ellie had stayed up all night crocheting Jasper a teddy bear.  It has a very short shirt, what appear to be leg warmers, and no pants.  That seems odd to me, but then again, it has always seemed weird to me that Winne the Pooh is pantless. Maybe that's just me.  I'll be sure and bring it up with my gynecologist in about three years.

For dinner, Jasper had requested vegetable lasagna, and Jeff outdid himself. I wanted to take this picture before the lasagna was mutilated by Jules, but dang, I wasn't fast enough.

Ellie and Camille worked very hard on decorating the requested carrot cake.

I'd like to say that we all ate at the table like One Big Happy Family, but the truth is it was American Idol night - so we ate at the table during commercials.  Then someone would yell, "It's back on!!" and we'd all take off again, leaving Jasper (he hates American Idol) sitting at the table with my dad.

We are serious Idol followers, and we like to argue and comment and critique endlessly.  After about 30 minutes of this, my dad said, "You people do know we're fighting 3 wars and Japan is melting, right?  Right?"

And we were all like, "Dude, what's your point?"

Jasper received a sword and two axes.  Because my life isn't difficult enough, that's why.

So my baby is seven.  I can't believe it.  But it doesn't matter how old he is so true that he will ALWAYS be the baby.  Someday he'll be a middle-aged baby, but he's stuck a baby.  And he likes it.

Now then, would you believe that Stephan Hawking, infamous Smart Guy Physicist and Cosmologist, is a HUMONGOUS Red Hot Chili Peppers fan?  I know! Crazy!!  Here's a video he recently made to promote the band's new album.

And if you believed that, maybe you'd also like to know that Ranger (our neutered male dog) had a litter of puppies!!  (Even Jasper didn't believe it.) April Fools ain't ovary yet!!


  1. I told people I was knocked up, and quite naturally they believed me. Suckers.

  2. That's right Kelly...rub in the peri-menopausal thing. I won't even try that particular April Fools joke again - for one thing, it might give Jeff a heart attack and that would be bad. For another thing, it might make Jeff start laughing and then I'd have to kill him.

  3. That Stephen Hawking vid can't be real. It's April 1st, no? I cracked up so much about the cancer bit, I so have been there. I would joke about it more but am paranoid that Karma would get mad at me and give me cancer for real.

  4. LOL - No, it's totally NOT real!! I saw it on the Stadium Arcadium fansite on April 1st and cracked up.

  5. I love Jasper's face in that photo where he is leaning on his hand. Next to mine(I have to say tht), he is the cutest kid ever! How funny that he loved the idea of having a party but then pulled back. I have pictures of John looking like he wasn't caring about opening presents. Good thing my extended family understands him. So Happy Birthday Jasper!
    And now with Joel getting his hair cut, he looks a lot like Jules. Did I get their names right this time? It's only 2PM, I'm not drinking yet. How cool is Ellie knitting that bear. She's got it all!
    Glad that you are alright. But just to be safe, I'll write to you in 2014 to remind you that you might have cancer.
    Your Friend, m.

  6. It was the stupid pattern I used that happened to not have a picture attached to it! And by the time I started on the legs and realized there weren't any pants, and that the shirt was waay too short, it was like 2am. Believe me, it wasn't my intention to make a kinky teddy bear for the 7-year old. :D

  7. Mark, see how I'm responding to everyone's comments?

  8. Yes, I noticed! Good girl! m.

  9. I laughed my way all the way through ... typical!

    But OMG I lost track of how many wars we are in. Three? ? Your dad will have to update me on current events. I guess I really did spend too much time in the office recently. And what really sucks about tax season is that I get behind on your blogs and it takes, like, hours to catch up! Not that there's anything else I would rather be doing.

  10. Julie - he's counting Libya...did I spell that right? It's taken me years to get Afghanistan all worked out spelling-wise. Hopefully, I won't have as much time to perfect Libyean spelling (sp?).