Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Do NOT alert the Lame-Stream Media

Hold onto your seats and don't you DARE contact the lame-stream media.....Sardine Mama is soon to take a little va-cay-cay. That's right! Just like Sarah Palin, I'm blowin' this joint. With several of my children and my husband. But it still counts as a va-cay-cay because there is no dishwasher to unload.

So yeah....ME....a small-town married American woman of five children with little to no work experience in national politics and a hot husband.....ME a former beauty queen high school drum major who is highly prone to quitting jobs after about two years (I get bored easily), is taking a little breaky-poo.....a Bus Tour, if you will. Okay, actually more of a mini-van tour - I'm not like Joe Plumber and the Rest of Middle Class America who own a tour bus and work for FOX News.  It isn't like I have managed to snag my own reality TV show YET.  But one is in the works.  It is called Sardine Mama's Texas.  I'm gonna ride a horse and rope a bull.  Or maybe I'll ride a bull and rope a horse.  We do both of those things here and you'll learn all about that on my show. 

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah - my trip. Don't you DARE FOLLOW ME AND PUT ME ON TV AND ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ALAMO THAT ANY THIRD-GRADER COULD ANSWER. Gotcha! I'm not going to tell you when I'm leaving, or where I'm going, because I don't want you to be aware of my schedule in any way or be waiting for me any place while all I'm trying to do is educate poor Piper Camille about the Alamo (I freaking love the name Piper and I am kicking myself over not discovering it sooner). Not that I'll BE at the Alamo. So please don't be waiting for me there. If you want to know where I'm going and what I'm going to do you'll have to FOLLOW ME and that will make me angry because I'm just trying to take a little va-cay-cay, after all, in a business suit.

If I were to go to the Alamo (but I'm not so don't SHOW UP THERE WITH NEWS CAMERAS) I would take a guided tour with my family because don't string me up....but gosh dangit.....I've never taken them to the freaking Alamo.  We drive past it all the time and someone will say, "Look, there's the Alamo."  So it isn't like they haven't SEEN it.  One time we drove past and Jules said, "Look, there's the Alamo."  And then Joel said, "That's not the REAL Alamo, you idiot."  And Jeff looked at me like, Seriously, Sardine Mama? And I looked at him like, Oh, you think this is easy?  You wouldn't last 24 hours, is HARD being a famous non-famous person hounded by the lame-stream media while not-really-raising five kids and not-really-being-governor anymore!!

Anyway - so if I WERE to go to the Alamo and the lame-stream media tried to toss a gotcha' moment at me with a Lame-O question about John Wayne or David Bowie.... I would be totally prepared!!  Because everyone knows the story of the Alamo where we fought the horrible Socialist Mexicans.....half of whom were born in Africa!!  David Bowie (this was before his singin' career DUH) was fresh from the Country of Europe, having rushed to the aid of Other White People in defending the Christian Mission San Antonio de Valero against that Muslim, Santa Anna.  WE WON.  If we hadn't won, all our kids would be forced to speak Mexican and wear sombreros.  There's a wall around the Alamo and that's to keep the Mexicans OUT (unless they're custodians).   But if you stand on your tip-toes, you can peek over the wall and see Mexico, just like I can see it from my house. And I'm keeping my eye on it, too.

If you don't believe this is the true story of the Alamo, you can go look it all up on Wikipedia.  If it doesn't match up, well, wait a few hours and try again.  I have some folks working on that as we speak.  They're called the Texas State Board of Education. They're good people and we're on the same page.

Well, I've gotta run.  So much to do.  I've gotta pack the sunscreen, the camera, and call Rick Perry to see if he'll be my runnin' mate for the election I'm NOT participatin' in.  You remember Rick Perry, right?  He's governor of Texas, which we all know, is no big deal.  ANYONE can be a governor.  Especially for 2 years.  But Rick Perry has been governor of Texas for ten years!!  Ten years!!  Oh my god it's been Ten Freaking Years.  Anyway - yes! Ricky as my runnin' mate!  Of course, first I have to talk him out of running for president.  'Cause rumor is, he's Actually Thinking About It and that frightens me to death because the last not-very-bright-Texas-governor who made me giggle by sayin' he was fixin' to run for president ACTUALLY WON.  Twice. 

Rick's a true Texan and a real American (unlike other people who were born in Texas and vote and work here but who do not agree with The Right and who are therefore - duh - Wrong and UnAmerican).  An example of his patriotism was his proposal that Texas SECEDE FROM THE UNION.  "Let's just freaking secede!  Secede!  Let's just quit the union!  Let's just NOT BE AMERICANS ANYMORE because I don't like the current president and that makes total and complete sense and is a very logical way of dealing with my disappointment! When I'm elected president, we'll rejoin the union!  And then if I'm not re-elected....we'll secede again! And thus forth and so on!"

With Rick Perry at my side, how could I lose?  How could ANY of us lose?  We are the very definition of a Winning Ticket and if you don't believe me, look it up in Wikipedia. 

Okay - well - I'm off to see the world!  Because I will Totally Rule It Soon.
Sardine Mama.....well, that's Madame Mama to You People.


  1. Are you high right now?
    Seriously, you sound nuts. Just like this crazy woman I saw taking a "vacation" on Fox News. I kept hoping that she would say something(anything) smart but she didn't. But I should know better than to hope. That got me nowhere before.
    And yes, I would totally vote for you. I've known worse presidents. And they weren't from Texas!
    Your Friend, m.
    Unless being your friend would keep you from the nomination. In which case, I totally won't care if you claim to hate "my people". Most Christians do already. m.

  2. This was EPIC, Sardine Mama

    (I'm too lazy to sign in, but this is your yankee friend who has been to the Alamo and has part of Mexico living with her right now.)

  3. Mark - I would never deny you! Unless I could gain from it politically - then it's like Mark Who? And ha ha on the Hope. The audacity....sometimes hope comes back and bites you in the weiner but only if you tweet it first. I LOVE politics!

  4. Michele - I knew you would appreciate this...being a Mexican-Speaker and all that.

    Carri - every time someone says ROFL to me I hear the world "ralf" adn then I think of that dog on the Jetsons. That's all.

  5. LOL! I think of the word "ralf" too, only ralf as in puke. Your ralf is better.

  6. Carri - among other realize this makes us dyslexic. Or something.

  7. If you DO go the Alamo (but you're obviously NOT) be sure to ask to tour the Basement. Heh.

  8. With a name like Weiner, it's got to be good! Unless you're a horny politician, and then it is just the final nail in your coffin. There's a lesson in all this -- be careful who you're Tweetin' (in more sense than one). If you are aiming for one particular sweet thing, don't accidentally tweet your whole constituency with that crotch pic!

  9. I'm not following any of the above comments (I know, I'm a simple mind) but I am MISSING YOU! I got really upset the last time I wrote you a comment,because it never got to your blog - I was so proud of it, before it disappeared into nothingness (that's what you get when you've got a simple mind). Anyway, what I do remember about it, is that I suggested you write a book called "when the F**K are you going to leave me alone (before I don't want you to leave me because I'll miss you too much)" - as in I 'd like to have a meal where I can use my chair to sit on and my two arms to feed myself, only one example amongst many. Now, don't you dare complain the day this comes out and you didn't write it... And please, come back from wherever you are (not)!