Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie and the Awesomeness of a Fleet Foxes Funeral Finale with a Bit of Frusciante For Good Measure

Looking back over the past few blog entries, I see that I've tackled:

1. Politics (if Sarah Palin Entertainment can be counted as Actual Politics and unfortunately, I think it can).

2. Impermanence

3. Attachment Parenting and the Fostering of Independence

4. Religion

Don't you think it's time I drop all the fluffy unsubstantial blogging for something REALLY important? And judging from the title of this blog post, which is probably the longest blog post title ever in the history of blog post titles, can you see that I'm about to talk about something monumentally imporant? Like...oh, I don't know...The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie? Yes, my Sardine the brand spanking new Red Hot Chili Peppers single was released.  It is a few days earlier than expected, so boo-yah! Sardine Mama woke up to an unexpected pleasant surprise instead of the kinds of surprises she's used to waking up to, which are more of the I think I'm gonna throw up! variety.  Or the Jasper just dumped an entire gallon of milk on the floor! variety.  Or the Mom!! I have to be at work in five minutes!! variety.

You can listen to the single, if you want.  But you don't have to.  You and I don't have to be on the same page for EVERYTHING, after all.  Or anything, for that matter.

I do not count myself a citizen of the Insane Chili Peppers Community. I'm not one the millions of (surprisingly young) people who spend hours commenting on discussion boards.  The threads on these boards have titles like Will Anthony Shave His Mustache? It seems that there are a lot of people very concerned about the Chili Peppers front man's facial hair.  Like REALLY CONCERNED.  They're all rolling around on the floor in orgasmic bliss right now because of this single.  Unfortunately, I am not in any kind of orgasmic anything that I know of.  But I am really excited.  But not as excited as the Crazy Fans on the Discussion Boards.  I love it that I'm not as crazy as they are.  There is a Them (crazy fans) and there is a Me (normal fan) and there is a rock solid line between us.  I mean, after all, I don't spend hours commenting about Anthony's mustache.  I just spend hours reading the comments about Anthony's mustache.  This clearly makes me Normal.  Clearly. Normal. Look it up.

Anyway, I am thrilled and excited and after listening to it 40 or 50 times, I have decided to come out in favor of The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie.  It's catchy.  But it's missing something.  And his name is John Frusciante.  John, my favorite Pepper, is not in the band anymore.  He's been replaced by a fine young man named Josh Klinghoffer. And I'm like totally cool with that.  I am.  Not. Really. Cool. With. That.  Because even though I claim not to be obsessed with the Chili Peppers?  I must admit to a somewhat casual no big deal or anything like that very small and tiny little obsession with Frusciante. 

I have a small little tendency towards ridiculous obsessions.  I have a small little tendency towards not really grasping the idea of moderation. You know, I couldn't just have one or two kids, I had to have five!  I couldn't just homeschool, I had to unschool! I couldn't just breastfeed a baby, I had to breastfeed toddlers! That's the Sardine Mama you know and love (or are at least mildly curious about)....but my All Or Nothing personality doesn't stop at parenting.  Unfortunately.  Let's just say it's a good thing I never did Real Drugs.  I can't just casually like a band, product, person, or philosophy.  I wish I could.  Casual Liking, it seems, would take up far less time that Complete Devotion.

So I'm devoted to Frusciante.  Everybody needs a hobby.

Fortunately for me, I do have a Fellow Frusciante Buddy...and fortunately for me, I'm married to him.  And fortunately for me, he often plays John's songs on his guitar.  I don't think Jeff's interest in Frusciante extends to where he was last seen and what he was wearing, as does mine (even though I'm not crazy).  But still, he appreciates him.  I'm thinking a lack of appreciation for Frusciante would have been a deal-breaker for me.

My kids? Do not appreciate Frusciante.  In fact, I'm pretty sure they're a little bit jealous.  Like, who do you love more, Mom?  Me or John Frusciante?  Before you become alarmed by this, let me just say that I hardly even had to think about it.

John has crazed fans.  I'm not even in the same universe as some of these people, many of whom claim he is Jesus. He has just sometimes looked like Jesus, which is clearly not the same thing as BEING Jesus.

He has also, at times, looked a bit like Edward Scissorhands, and he currently looks like a cross between Ben Stein and Grizzy Adams.  None of his looks (and he's had so many) define him.  He's undefinable.

Many claim to be in love with him.  They want to marry him, have his babies blah, blah, blah.  I am NOT THAT OBSESSED.  I do admit to a 1:00 pm John Adoration Hour where I like to watch videos...but that's not EVERY DAY.  It's only the days that I'm home at 1:00. I'm not in love with him, I don't want to marry him, and I certainly don't want to have his babies.  I'm just his soul mate.  That's all.

I would like to hang out and be his muse.  Don't you think I would be a good muse?  I could inspire him to write beautiful music.  Because don't you think I'm inspiring?  He might also find me amusing.  Ha! Did you get that?  I made like a little pun-thing....aMUSE....get it?  I'd be an awesome muse.  Unless, of course, he'd want to be like writing music All The Time. Like, spending hours and hours locked away being all boring and writing music.  After awhile, I think I would cease to be amusing and start to be needy.  I'd be all like Come TALK to me....I'm feeling LONELY....You don't pay enough ATTENTION to me.... I have been known to be um...emotionally needy (at times).  And if I weren't all emotionally needy, I'm afraid I'd become physically needy, and John would be all like trying to write a song and I'd be all like, John, I'm hungry...fix me a sandwich!! Can't you see how well that would work out?  See why he needs me?  Let's see....what was I saying?  Oh yeah.  About how I'm perfectly normal and Not Like Those Other Fans who are clearly Not Perfectly Normal.  Like I am.  Normal. Ahem...

I have most of John's solo albums.  And I like to listen to them in the car but I have to FIGHT FOR MY RIGHT to listen to John Frusciante.  Sometimes we Rock/Paper/Scissors for it.  Rock, paper, scissors!  I win, Mom! Taylor Swift it is!  Whenever Camille wins it is either Taylor Swift or Justin Beiber.  I'd prefer a little Beiber, myself.  But Camille sure loves Taylor.  When she hands me the CD, I say, "What do you say?"  And Camille says, "I don't need a boy to make me happy!" That's right. I refuse to pop in the Don't Leave Me Alone or Break Up With Me or I'll Die a Thousand Deaths-themed CD until Camille has recited this particular mantra.  Sometimes she decides to be a smart ass and says, "You don't need John to make you happy, Mom!" And then I say, "Yes, I do. Mommy has reached middle-age and she's not at all comfortable with that and loving John makes it more bearable and adds meaning to my life and I'm entitled to a little joy, after all, and...." and then she walks off.  See? All. Completely. Normal.Over. Here.

Joel can't stand the Chili Peppers.  He says By the Way, in particular, reminds him of childhood family vacations, which I thought were all pretty swell but apparently give Joel nightmares.  Whatever. He doesn't have much of an opinion about John one way or the other.  But he supports my right to my obsession.  When you die, Mom, I'm gonna have you cremated and sprinkle your ashes on Frusciante's lawn.  Then you can become a PART OF HIS LAWN.  No wait!  I'll sprinkle your ashes on his George Foreman Grill and you can become a PART OF HIS STEAK and he'll eat you and you'll become a PART OF JOHN FRUSCIANTE.  You'll freaking BECOME John Frusciante. 

I think he's teasing but it is a lovely idea. 

Speaking of when I die (because I don't know if you noticed but it seems I've subtly changed the subject), Joel and I have Big Plans for my funeral.  I have a Funeral Play List and it is Rocking Awesome and it is a shame I won't be there to hear it.  One of the songs that shall be played at my massively impressive funeral attended by thousands is Fleet Foxes' Tiger Mountain Peasant Song.  It is SO DANG BEAUTIFUL.

Joel and I were discussing it and I was like, "Just picture in the coffin....this song playing beautifully and everyone crying and weeping, but wait a minute...Joel, dude, you know we have to cut that song off before he gets to the end where he says, "I'm turning myself to a demon," because that would be inappropriate, in a way, and you know, quite possibly upset the church-goers amongst my fans..ahem...I mean, the people who have come to my funeral."

And then Joel is like, "Oh no, Mom! That would be AWESOME. I'll tie some invisible strings to you and when it gets to that part of the song I'll pull on the strings and you can SIT UP IN THE COFFIN."

I must admit, this idea does hold a small amount of appeal for me. It would almost be worth dying for. Listen to the song and tell me you don't agree.

Well, this was another one of those posts where Sardine Mama revealed just a tad too much about herself and lost a couple of followers, but whatever.  It's my blog, after all.


  1. I thought it was a very inspired and amusing post. Do you think Mr Frusciante has a management team googling him daily to know what has been written about him? He might already use your musings for inspiration, you might already have become him (without having to die first and be tied to strings and sit up in church or where would the funeral be held?)! Never got round to replying to the tax collector post, but I'd reply no to the title/question, without any further comments, because they might be misinterpreted... which would be a pity.

  2. Um, can you give me one good reason for why you live all the way over THERE, and I live all the way over HERE, and we therefore cannot hang out in Real Life? It just doesn't seem all that fair. Maybe I should petition someone.

    Awesome, awesome, awesome post. I'm writing this as I listen to Fleet Foxes. Just got to the demon part. Yeah, I 'spose that part might throw some weepers off, but they'd probably not be there 'cos they knew you; they'd be there 'cos it was their church and they stumbled in on your service. Those who know/knew you would smile so BIG at that moment, whether you lifted up with strings or not.

    I think John would love you if he met you. Who wouldn't?

    (ps I have been working on my funeral songs since I was about 13. Might have to put a little Fleet Foxes on there now, though at this rate, my mourners may have to sit there for three days solid, no breaks! Not even to pee! Sit back down I tell you!)

  3. So, let me get this straight. The Red Hot Chili Peppers is some kind of Rock and Roll band? And this John guy is like a "music" person? This is all way too much for me to take in. Can you go back to talking about Christians who hate everybody but themselves.
    Has it rained there yet? m.

  4. I loved your post! And I'm totally stealing the requirement to state, "I don't need a boy to make me happy," for Taylow Swift and perhaps all tween music about how they'll die if they don't have that one special person in their life, blah blah blah. Awesomeness.

  5. Jade, I'm pretty sure John's not googling himself nor have other people googling him :). I'm thinking he's anti-googling, in that respect. You sometimes (if you happen to google enough) see pics of him posing with fans, and quite frankly, he usually looks small and frightened to death. If I were to ever see him on the street I would smile real hugely in my heart and walk on by :). He is a very private person. I'm glad you consider me to be a good muse, though!

  6. Helena - we should totally hang out and compare funeral play lists. In addition to Fleet Foxes, I also have a Frusciante song that starts out with funeral-type organ music, which would totally trick everyone into thinking I was having a normal funeral and wouldn't that be fun?

    Mark - you act like such an Old Man but you're not. You're all hip and cool and everyone knows you gave me a chili peppers shout out on your blog when you were decluttering (give it away, give it away, give it away Sardine Mama...) Remember that?

  7. Oh - also - Mark. No, it has not rained here. And Rick Perry prayed for it and EVERYTHING. But he has that other big prayer thing coming there's still hope. And if you wake up straight we'll know God was listening...'cause they're praying for that, too.

  8. I am in the middle of CENTRAL JAVA right now having earlier in the day visited an ACTIVE VOLCANO (ok, the foothills), and now I have to take the kids swimming (I'm exhausted just talking about it), so I haven't read this in its entirety and CAREFULLY, but you KNOW I WILL!!!!!

  9. OK I've read it now and you know how I feel about Fru already, so all I can add is:

    - he would totally fix you a sandwich. Then go back to being a recluse

    - your kids and my kids would commiserate. Although when he thinks I am not looking, I catch the 6 year-old humming 'Carvel'

    - mine would never say 'You don't need John to make you happy, Mom!' because they've seen me without Fru (on those odd days when the CDs can't be found) and I'm a total pain in the ass bucket of misery

    - Fleet Foxes is amazing and reminds me of Fru in his Cat Stevens phase ('Curtains')

  10. And here's where Dinster and I have a boring, private conversation in front of everyone :). I love Fleet Foxes. To me, Robin's voice is like a choir boy's. He's like a little sweet-voiced choir boy singing Blue Grass infused with Beach Boys. Frusciante in Curtains is VERY Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam...but not so much Fleet Foxy (to me). But you know, in By the Way, there is a lot of Beach Boys influence - you know - John was listening to Beach Boys and Beatles during that time - lots of harmony. I missed that in Rain Dance Maggie - I missed the Frusciante Harmony and of course, there were no guitar riffs. You know Josh was primarily a percussionist? Oh well. I love the idea of John making me a sandwich!

  11. I've had my funeral play list for years now too....does that make us weird?? Wait - I think I know the answer to that question ;-}

  12. I can't imagine being that obsessed about anything .... erhm, except perhaps coffee, and that doesn't sound nearly as exciting as John F., whoever he is.

    Love the idea of your kids rigging you to sit up in the coffin! It would scare me to death, of course, to witness such a thing, but my boys would get a kick out of it.

  13. Rick Perry is kind of cute! Although he's no Rick Scott. m.

  14. Rick Perry looks JUST LIKE Dean Koontz. Seriously, check it out. Spooky. Poor baby's not so smart, though. But very religious so we should all vote for him.

  15. isn't rick perry some kind of band person, who's, you know, in a band with some guys? i have no idea.

    but you crack me up.