Wednesday, November 14, 2012

When it's NOT Harder Than a Femur.

Something just happened and it made me question everything I thought I knew about anything.

Song lyrics. We humans are famous for getting them wrong in hysterically entertaining ways. I, myself, am no stranger to this phenomena. In fact, Jeff and I have had HUGE FIGHTS over song lyrics. And just last week, I was writing in a coffee shop when a song came on that reminded me of Ellie. It was by a band she'd really liked back when we were travelling around looking at music schools and it made me miss her. So I immediately facebooked her:

Hey Ellie I'm in a coffee shop and they're playing that song by that French band you used to like and now I miss you. It's that one that goes: Like a rhine, like a rhino! Or maybe it's like a wine, like a wino!

And she responded something like:

Oh my God, Mom! It's like a riot, like a riot, oh!

Whatever. I was close. Also, I really liked my version better - the one about rhinos.

So this sh*t happens, sometimes. But you don't screw up the lyrics for Your Band. If it's Your Band, you know their lyrics like the back of your hand, even if Your Band is the Red Hot Chili Peppers and their lyrics are Somewhat Nonsensical. They're lyrical (lyrics!) and poetic and they mean something, even if it's only Hey This Rhymes! and you don't mess around with them!

Sir Psycho Sexy is a dirty song. It really is. And it isn't dirty by implication, it isn't nasty by nuance, it's just really filthy smut. In my younger years, as a new mommy, I didn't appreciate Sir Psycho Sexy. It was disgusting in a frat house sort of way. But now? Well, now that we're all grown up and keeping our socks on our feet where they belong, it's just kind of funny. And funky. With some great grooves. It makes me grin. And my favorite part? Was this line:

Harder than a femur!

Harder than a femur! That's freaking hilarious! Especially if you're talking about an erection, which I have assumed, since 1993, that we were! Harder than a femur! WHAT A LINE.

Whenever I face a difficult task or a trying time, I might say, "Geez, this is harder than femur." DO YOU SEE HOW PERFECT A LINE THAT IS???

Sure, it bothered me a little that it didn't quite rhyme with beaver (don't over-think that - I know this is supposed to be a family show) - it almost rhymed with beaver in the same way that Dora almost rhymes with Explorer if you say it like you're from New Jersey.

Anyway - back to the boner - of the femur variety, specifically. How can I say this? How can I say that the most perfect phrase, the best ever little witty line in that entire stupid song - the adorable word-tangle that redeemed Sir Psycho, DOESN'T EXIST?

It doesn't exist.

Harder than a femur doesn't exist. Not even a little. What Anthony Kiedis wrote, and what he sings, is the way way way less impressive and non-noteworthy and So Been Done Before Hotter Than a Fever.

Hotter than a fever? HOTTER THAN A FEVER?!? Really? Are you kidding me? That's not funny! That's not original! That's not anything I can say when encountering a humongous obstacle of enormous proportions! I wouldn't even say it IF IT WERE REALLY REALLY HOT OUTSIDE.

It's That Much Meh.

It does rhyme with Beaver, though.

So tell me, people. What else do I have all wrong?? Do I even know anything at all anymore? Other than the fact that sometimes, finding something to blog about is HARDER THAN A FEMUR!


  1. I still like your blog and your posts!

  2. There was a local radio personality who called the phenomenon 'chronic lyricosis'.

    He'd play people singing along with stuff.. 'I was born in a cross-eyed hurricane' for example.

    My own wasn't as funny as yours, but hey, I was three. My mom listened to folk music a lot (it was the early 1960s, everyone listened to it) and I sang along.

    One song was 'Passin' Through'.

    Which I sang as "Assin' Do"

    My mom still thinks that's funny.

    Does this sudden double the usual posts mean you're going to start blogging again?

  3. Maybe in the big cosmic soup of inspiration "harder then a femur" accidentally made it's way to your mind instead of Antwan the Swan's. No, not maybe, certainly this is what happened. In fact I'm so confident this is what happened and your line is so much better I think it's your duty to let him know you've found the actual lyrics for his song.

    I can just see it now: You email the Peppers informing of them of the mix up. They are so touched by your concern for their music and the lost lyrics they call you immediately. You of course modestly claim it was nothing, but they insist on preforming a private concert at your home. A concert you invite your new (not quite as big a fan as you but almost) best bud, me. And we all sing "harder then a femur" happily ever after!

  4. Harder than a femur happily ever after! Awesome. Best blog comment in the history of blog comments and you might not be as big a fanatic as I am but you're close or you wouldn't have said Antoine the Swan :). You can come to the private concert. I'll start setting it up right now...

  5. I'm looking forward to the invite! ;)

  6. Harder than a femur....still laughing! That was funny...and I love that you just go with it. I am way too curious to just go with things. I hear something and contemplate and ponder and then ruin it all by pulling out my phone and looking up the lyrics so I can be sure of what's being said. Sometimes I need to just go with it, but it's harder than a femur to do that!

  7. "Keeping our socks on our feet where they belong" -- still wondering about that one, Carol. I guess I'm a little slow!