Should You Talk To Your Doctor? Nah....

Quick Lowdown before we get to the Topic of the Post.

1. I am still going crazy with the conference

2. If you're in San Antonio and you want to go to a homeschooling conference because you homeschool or are just plain crazy - come to the Roundup http://www.sahero.org/ and see me. I'm a) leading a workshop on Unschooling b) sitting on a panel of homeschoolers for Homeschool 101 (facilitated by Grilled Cheese Chick) and c) in charge of the entire freaking thing.

3. Amidst the insanity of the conference planning, we went to the beach. It was windy. But fun. For basically everyone but me - because I was in charge of the entire freaking thing. It is my fate in life to be In Charge. Anyway - I was so grateful that our part of the beautiful Gulf of Mexico had no sheen or tar balls or dying pelicans. Just the usual Saragossa seaweed, lots of seashells, and lots of happy un-tarred and feathered pelicans. Also? 4 (not 5) kids frolicking in the waves - and they were huge by our standards (the waves, not the kids). We didn't have 5 kids with us because Ellie didn't go...and that made me sad. Next year she leaves me for like GOOD and all - and on top of it, she is checking out early on the family trips. What was she doing, you ask? Well, the wicked child was practicing the piano for 4 hours a day. With all of the wedding preparations and other things we had going on, she was feeling out of control due to the lack of practicing (she has some big things coming up) and so she asked to stay home. I know how important feeling in control of things is to her - so we said she could stay. And we came home to a much happier teenager - she had a little break from the familia (and I totally understand how a little break like that can improve one's disposition) and she felt on top of her repatoire once more. But still. She didn't go with us...sigh.

While at the beach, I tortured myself by buying a new swimsuit. It was supposed to take ten pounds off of me INSTANTLY!! It did take ten pounds off of some places, but it deposited them in others. If you squeeze fat it has to go somewhere. I mean, it wasn't like there was Actual Surgery Involved. Luckily, my head did not pop off, but I think I might have had back cleavage.

When we go to the beach, we stay at an RV Resort, which is an oxymoron. And truly, I don't want to dis anybody. Really. But maybe I am feeling just a bit snarky because I would like to say that I had the highest quality tattoo in the trailer park (and there were A LOT of tattoos). We do not fit in with most of the other RV resortists. First of all, we don't fly a Confederate Flag. We don't even have an American Flag on our camper and I'm sure there is talk around the trailer park about that. But I will say, our tires have not been slashed yet (and we've been there many times), even though we have an Obama bumper sticker. Also? It really frightens me to see that many white people gathered in one place waving Confederate flags. Even though I'm white. They have really nice bathrooms, though.

4. We went to Landa Park yesterday with friends. We go every year. With the same friends. It was fun and felt like summer, something I haven't felt much of because of the Homeschool Conference Planning that I am soon to be totally done with.

5. Next week we leave for LA for our yearly trip to take Jules to his doctor.

And that kinda sorta leads me into The Topic. Doctors. Now then, I have friends and family who are doctors. They are groovy and all that. But they are not like The Doctors on TV.

You see, I saw a link online to a "news story" about menopause. First of all? I am not perimenopausal. I'm just going crazy. Sometimes it is the same thing, but not always. The biggest symptom is nowhere near me....the moon and I are in sync. But I am Of The Age where I could be perimenopausal - so even though I'm totally not (perimenopausal, that is) I clicked on the link.

First of all, as with most news stories, there was no actual information shared. Second of all, I hated the fact that one of the anchors who talked about menopause was a man. I wanted to rip his head off. I'm not sure why - but I know it has nothing to do with menopause because we have already established the fact that it has nothing to do with me. Thirdly, they had TV Doctors on to talk about menopause.

Have you seen TV Doctors, like the ones who have their own talk show? You know the ones? They talk seriously about things like erectile dysfunction and vaginal dryness like it is the latest breaking news on the latest happenings in I Don't Know...Haiti maybe....but they never freaking SAY ANYTHING. Actually, they do say something. You know what they say? They say that if this, that, and the other is happening (everything else is normal but you should still talk to your doctor) that you should Talk To Your Doctor.

Seriously, if you're not getting along with your husband or you're having difficulties in the sack or you are finding it hard to concentrate....you should Talk To Your Doctor. If, after talking to your doctor, you get put on medication and experience any one of the zillions of side-effects, most of which are common enough to happen to you every single stinking day even if you've never taken the medication (the rest of which are quite alarming and involve erections lasting longer than 4 hours and thoughts of suicide), you should Talk To Your Doctor.

Here's the fun part. Have you ever actually tried to Talk To Your Doctor? It ain't easy, but here are the steps if you choose to attempt it.

1. Call for an appointment. The receptionist will act like she's doing you a favor by answering the phone. The first thing she wants to know is if you have insurance. Then she will ask you why you want to see the doctor. Let's say you have a sore throat. She'll offer you the Next Available Appointment. If you tell her that you need to be seen sooner ('cause you're sick and all) she will tell you to go to the Emergency Room - that is where sick people go nowadays. If you tell her you're having a "problem" and need to Talk To Your Doctor, she will make an appointment for several weeks down the road. Hopefully, you'll resolve the issue before your appointment (at which point you will be charged $25 for cancelling your appointment), otherwise you will

2. Arrive for your appointment. You will fill out pages of paperwork that ask questions about your medical history and your insurance policy.

3. You will wait.

4. You will wait some more.

5. You will be called into a room and your vital signs will be taken.

6. You will wait some more.

7. The doctor will come in. He will ask you questions that you already answered in your medical history. He will ask you why you're there, even though the nurse already asked and wrote it down.

8. While you're talking, he will take more vitals, poke and prod....and you'll get the feeling he's not really listening to you.

9. He's not.

10. If you attempt to Talk To Him, he will write a prescription. The entire process of his walking in the door to writing the script will take less than 5 minutes.

11. You're done.

So you can see how all these dressed up and made up Doctors on TV telling you that if blah blah blah blah happens or you think you might be experiencing blah blah blah really personal stuff blah blah blah you should Talk To Your Doctor is kind of annoying.

Not that I even have anything to talk to my doctor about. I don't really. It just cracked me up listening to them, all serious and straight faced and talking about how this "can" be a symptom of menopause, but it can also be a symptom of having a pulse...therefore you should Talk To Your Doctor. The doctor? Does not want to talk to you. He wants to write a prescription and send you on your merry way. There is no insurance code for Talking To Your Doctor.

That's it.

Wish us luck next week as we head to The Doctor. He is actually a great guy, his office runs pretty efficiently (how unusual is that?) and he freaking saved our son from premature and Possibly Totally Unnecessary Brain Surgery. So what if he's not chatty?

Signing Off as a Not Even Close to Perimenopausal Sardine Mama