Friday, April 17, 2009

The Republic of Texas. Again.

Hoooo Boy. Rick Perry at the Austin Tea Party. And I've been called unpatriotic? This guy is talking secession from the union. The Union. As in, The United States of America. That little union. We have produced some whoppers here, that is for sure.

Of course, part of me (I am a born and bred Texas girl) is proud of our insanity. We are the biggest state (not counting Alaska which has the population of Austin) - so we might as well be the most insane. We always have been. Remember the Alamo? God, who doesn't love the Alamo? I LOVE THE ALAMO. However, it was nutters. The whole thing. The battle of just a few guys against an entire army - drawing the line in the sand - the whole crazy "come and get us" thing....only here. In Texas. And we are still defending the Alamo. When Ozzy Osbourne peed on it we put him in jail. You bet we did - and he deserved it.

So if Texas decides to secede (again) and have Chuck Norris as president? Insane. Stupid. I'd be embarrassed. (And probably a lot of other things because we kinda sorta depend on a lot of federal stuff to ya know....exist....). But I'd be just a little teensy weensy bit proud in a creepy sort of way. Because this is Texas. And yeah, we do things our own way. We are clinically and officially crazier than hell but it works for us. It makes us scary. It draws tourists.

Of course, I'm pretty sure that the first thing the new Texans would do is deport vegetarians, homosexuals, tree-huggers, aetheists, Buddhists, Pagans (gasp) and other social elitists. Also, they would deport non-English speakers (half the state) and anyone needing any kind of government assistance. The new slogan would be: Get a Job or Get Out...Love, The Friendship State

In San Antonio, Ted Nugent provided entertainment at the Tea Party Protest at the Alamo. You know, instead of Rick Perry. Perry, in his little gimme cap, was probably more entertaining than Ted Nugent. Sweet Poon Tang Nugent. Family Values kinda guy. Strangely appropriate that he should be hangin' at the Alamo. It wasn't all that long ago that he got booed in San Antonio for saying something like, "If you don't speak English, get the *uck out!" Yeah, baby. You go. At least you didn't pee on the Alamo. Because that? Would have been offensive. Was it after or before the San Antonio incident that he used the n-word during a Colorado radio interview? Hmmm... I can't keep track of all of his sweet talk. Because he is a sweet guy. Just who I would invite to help deliver a message about taxation. Because, you know, we've never had taxation, before. And while we're on racism and secession and taxation and other shuns - isn't it funny that the last time we seceded it was over slavery? And now we have a Black president and we're tossing around the s-word again? And inviting Ted Nugent to entertain us? Hmmmm......

Well, if we secede - we're good militarily. God knows we've stockpiled enough weapons (since the Democrats moved into the White House Texans have stormed gun shops in a state of hysteria) to invade Mexico. Right? You betcha. Oops. Sorry. That is not Texan. That is Alaskan.

See our fearless leader make his umpteenth embarrassing blunder of the century here. God bless his little heart.

OK, Conservatives. Don't be gettin' all pissy with me. I'm done. And I'll defend the dang Alamo with you. Because, like it or not, I'm that kind of girl. A Texas girl. A Liberal Texas girl. Rare - but precious.

The Lone Star Sardine Mama


  1. You know what really gets my goat? Where were all the TEA Parties on April 15th LAST YEAR? and the years before that, and the year before that??

    I mean, middle class and lower income families have not received a tax increase, and most have received a small tax cut within the last month so if we're just complaining about the same 'ol concept of taxing our each dollar we earn (income tax) or the idiotic social security tax (money I pay and surely will NEVER see a penny of) and so on...well, they were all here before...why are we deciding to get so riled up about it NOW?

    Obviously since you know me you know I'm probably even more frustrated with our government than most (because the change I want for it is more extreme than most people are aiming for).

    As far as succession? I agree, the idea totally weird's me out and I don't really want it to happen but if it did, I would be a little proud. Just like I'm a little proud to know that the Texas flag is the only flag that can fly at the same height as the US flag when they're together...because we're just cool like that, that's how we roll.

    There's a guy planning to run for TX Governor on a platform of possible succession if Washington doesn't "shape up." Can't remember his name, just heard a blurb on NPR.

    Good thought provoking post!

  2. There's a popular local bumper sticker here in town that reads, "Keep Austin Weird." Thank goodness Rick Perry is finally doing his part. Either that or the copious hair care products he consumes have finally addled his brain enough to qualify him for the lunatic fringe such as those major whack-jobs at The Republic of Texas (see I admit it: I too am intrigued by the concept of secession. I mean, how fun would it be to live in another country, yet not have to move or learn to speak another language? Tourism would surely skyrocket. We would finally truly be a "whole 'nother country."

    But really. We all know it isn't going to happen. Tricky Ricky is just trying to catch up to Kay Bailey Hutchinson, who is kicking his butt in the polls. What makes him think the 'gimme cap redneck republican militia' vote is going to save his political career is beyond me. Poor Tricky Ricky. About to be trounced by a Washington Good Ol' something. I have my misgivings about her since she's such a traitor to her sex.

    Hell, who knows? Maybe 2010 is finally Kinky Friedman's year. Now that would keep Austin weird!

  3. YAY! I LOVE long comments! They make me feel loved. They make me pant and dance and giggle. Hannah - you are such a doll. Nobody would ever guess how young you are. And Catwoman? Even though you and I are both ready, willing, and able to defend the Alamo - we would definitely be shipped to Canada. Hannah, I do not think you would be shipped to Canada. So we could be pen pals! (my verification word is "bugrants". best one so far, i think.)

  4. It's not just Texans that are crazy. When I taught high school in North Carolina a few of my students were adamant about how the North didn't really win the Civil War, it's just been the longest cease-fire in history.

  5. I'm sorry - are you implying the Civil War has ended?

  6. Hmmm, is there a backstory I'm not aware of? Something more than teenage boys rebelling against the status quo? Perhaps it should be in my Future to be more into History??

  7. I'm so glad you wrote this. You are way more articulate than me..and I've been trying to figure out how to even start!
    I think I'm still in the "you have got to be kidding but..oh yikes..are we still looking for someone/group to blame?" mode. I do not understand denying health-care to children. I do not understand denying food to the hungry. What good can possibly come of that? Yes..I've heard the funds of the future argument..since, you know..a population of sick, hungry people will cost our society nothing. Wasn't it Ghandi who said "no child should die to maintain the lifestyle of another?" I know..let's just secede and it won't be an issue! (See..this is why I shouldn't get started). Well..I'm off to figure out how to feed 100 kids today with the bag of pasta, can of peaches and bottle of ketchup our local food bank provided..because, well, that's all they had.